My name is Caleb William Phillips. And yesterday May 22nd 2014, was my daughters 5th birthday. Her mother and I are separated permanently and she has remarried (common law) and lives with another man with his own children. I have a 3 year old daughter named Olivia Grace Phillips as well by the same mother. And these are my only two children and my only two reasons for living. As of about a year and a half ago things got out of hand when I put pain pills before my family. Chelsea left and took the girls as she should have. Several months later I ended up in court for catching a felony from something I never should have done and never did before. Despite the fact that all of my charges were dropped completely, stress got worse with in my family because my mom and dad care so much for me and can’t help but be involved with everything I have going on in and it always tears them apart when I make mistakes. My beautiful and perfect daughters are the happiest reasons I’m alive because they make me proud and happy to wake up the next morning knowing that today, they will look forward to seeing their father soon hopefully. Once the child custody and child support hearing took place things balanced out for the most part and now I get my daughters every other weekend for a total of 45 days out of the year. To me, that is crushing, because to any father, that is just a tease and unfair to the daddy because Some daddy’s can’t stand to be apart from their children. Because of my actions at some point, yesterday I tried to reach Chelsea on more than one occasion so that I could tell me my 5 year old, happy birthday. I even wrote her a poem. I bought her a cake and delivered it to her school myself but it was during nap time and I didn’t want to wake the other sleeping children. I even had presents that I wanted to give her. Chelsea did not contact me back but only once the entire day yesterday despite several attempts on my part. all she wrote back was, you get your daughters tomorrow. And that was all. And this morning, at 10 a.m. Emys graduated from kindergarten and I was unable to attend because of my emotions on the way there were exploding out of me consuming all the fear anger hate sadness love regret and depression I have in my life now and I was afraid that’s being around Chelsea and her new husband wouldn’t be the best idea for me in front of my daughter so I made a tough decision to not go inside. Even though my mother and father were able to attend and send me many pictures and videos, that ended up crushing my soul and it was entirely my fault. Judging by the words that you have just read, you can understand why nowadays I feel like dying because if I do my daughters won’t have to be in disappointment and in pain anymore. And have to answer questions like, why is it that Daddy struggles more than any other daddy? Why is it that Mommy and Daddy don’t get along? Why is it the daddy is always crying and heartbroken? Why is it the daddy is always failing at his attempts? I came to this website because I know that if I were to try and talk to anybody else that I know personally, it would only come off as a self pity fit and nobody on this website knows me personally so I would like to ask for advice as to what I can do to change my ways personally. I am in a detox facility and have been clean for over a year with random drug tests, and private counseling that I pay for weekly. My mom and dad had the perfect marriage growing up there was never drugs or alcohol or anything in my life I was raised in a private Christian school and my god father is a pastor. I literally had the best example to follow in my family. I go to church every Sunday and I am a Christian and I’m not afraid to admit it. I am also not afraid to admit that I believe I struggle more than your average Christian. More than your average father. More than your average son. And more than your average friend. I find myself being lazy do things that are pathetic and simple to accomplish in most people’s eyes. I have got to the point now to where I stay so depressed I avoid phone calls conversations and potential situations that will reveal who I really am as a person. A failure. I pray every morning and every night that I bought the Devils ways and then I find the mental strength and physical strength I need to overcome obstacles. I pray out loud to myself, and I pray to my friends that have already gone to heaven that I believe protect me as angels, I pray for them and ask them to give me guidance and wisdom today help me to make the best of my day and help me 2 not be so stressed with anxiety and regret but more less happy and content with a day that I was given. I pray to the Lord to remind you that I have two daughters that need me and love me unconditionally. And with that being said I pray to the Lord that I find the strength within me to overcome the Devils challenges in a text to my life but I would lie to you if I told you that I don’t struggle more than anything these days. It has gotten to a point that I have created an account on a website that I don’t ever look at, & I am reaching out sub consciously to people I don’t even know. I’m reaching out and requesting answers I don’t even know if I can get. N even if I get the answers, I’m not even certain I will know how to apply them in my life. My name is Kayla Phillips and I am 26 years old I live in Deatsville Alabamaand I’m in the middle of a very very bad in a very very long storm. someone help me please tell me something positive. Tell me something that I haven’t already heard every single day from my friends think I am just starving for attention and I am a quitter at everything in life. I don’t want to hear that I am always negative. I don’t want to hear that if it didn’t rain we wouldn’t appreciate the sunny days. I don’t want to hear that its okay cuz you always have tomorrow to overcome. But being so picky I don’t know what to expect back. Maybe this is a big mistake reaching out to a complete stranger. How can I do this? How can I prevent and overcome this without doubt or fear of failure? Is it even a physical possibility?
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Hey i Read your Post and I feel your pain. It had tears flowing down just reading it. Listen you probably heard this before but…keep your head up. spend every precious moment with your girls and dont take it for granted. i never read about a man wanting to be a father. it touched my heart because i am fatherless and have been since i was born and im 19 now. i know your heart is hurting but you gotta keep fighting. because at a certain age the child can tell the judge they wanna live with the other parent and the judge listens to the child more than the parent. so in this situation just show them how much you love them and never give up. keep your head up man. and your not too negative….its just your hurting and your releasing your emotions which is a good thing. have a nice day
Thank you friend. honestly didn’t expect somebody to write back that fast. And that alone was quite nice. thank you again.
I can sympathise to an extent with your situation. Everything your friends are telling you however isn’t meant as a platitude, of course very few of them would fully understand the emotions you are experiencing. They obviously care about you, your parents obviously care about you. The only one that can bring positive change to your life is you. If you don’t want your daughters to view you negatively suicide isn’t the answer to that, being a good father to them, a role model to them is the solution.
Getting out from under this darkness your in is something I don’t have an answer for. However the way you are talking I think you should explore CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I think it would do you a lot of good.
Thank you friend. I will look into that.
You’re welcome. You might also want to look at fathers rights groups, if for nothing else than to be around people in your situation. You may also want to explore legal mediation with the mother of your children to possibly have her agree to giving you more time with the children. Most importantly be a man that will have a positive impact on his childrens life, everyone else will be able to see it. Good luck.