It’s hard to choose.

I don’t know what to say, so I’ll just ramble.

For the past two weeks the only thing that has been on my mind is putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger.

Three years ago I would have said that there may still be hope for me. Five years ago I would have said that suicide is a cowards way out. But now, I see it a bit differently.

Now, I see just how much strength it takes to abandon whatever it is that convinced you to stay for so long and enter permanently the into the unknown. I understand that it isn’t a way out, it’s a way forward. I’m not running from my problems, I’m choosing to leave them behind.

I heard once that there isn’t a single person who truly wants to die, what they want is the pain of life to stop. In my case it’s completely true. I’ve been alive until now because I want desperately for something to happen to convince me to keep pushing on, but nothing has shown up and it seems nothing ever will.

I’m pretty good at putting other people before myself. I like to think that it makes me a good person. Unfortunately it breaks me down to do it. It’s what I do whenever I think about suicide.

I hate to think of my mom crying over my casket.

I hate to think about my best friend, who has already had a hard life, losing one of the closest people to him.

I hate to think of my dog wandering the house looking for her buddy to play with only to find that i’m not there.

And it’s torture to think about what happens after I die. And it hurts more to know that even they aren’t enough to keep me around.

I’m supposed to go to a job fair tomorrow but I think I’m going to skip it. I know it’s going to upset my mom a lot to know that I didn’t go but I have literally no motivation to keep going. I have no desire at all to further myself in any way.

At night I think as hard as I can about falling asleep and dying. It would be much less painful to think I died in my sleep rather than from a bullet.

I think I’m done typing for now. Good luck to everyone else out there.