The end..

If you read my last post you’d understand.. I just can’t do anything right. Ever since I let my weed dealer drive my car without a license and wreck my life has been havoc. He got 6 months jail, but my 7 grand is gone.. My parents are so disappointed with me. My day consists of waking up for school, having dad take me, being forced to go to my parents friends house till 9PM every night basically as a sitter till my dad gets out of class. The car ride home is 25 minutes and all we do is fight and he tells me how much I fucked up and how i’ve just ruined everything and made so much chaos in our family. I just want it all over. The other night I sat in my laundry room with the bleach cap full of bleach just ready to drink and hopefully end it all. As it touched my lips, a little bit went into my mouth and I just sat there balling. I try to be so strong and as I type this I can’t help but cry. All I want to do is cry. I just want my parents to not be disappointed in me, but I know they are. They tell me everyday. I see my dad for 30 minutes a day maybe, and all we do is argue. As soon as he gets home he just goes and locks himself up in his room because he doesn’t care. He has all he needs, a nice Mercedes, a big house, tons of women and just treats me like shit. I have two older brothers, my oldest is 21 and just moved to Columbus on his own, my other is 18 and a senior and just goes out every night to Parkersburg and parties. They were the only two in my life who really understood me and cared. I have no one, I can’t even talk to my closest friends because none of them understand why I smoke, and why I’m just always so upset. I have never told anyone I was suicidal but everyday just seems a bit better, but just turns out getting so so so much worse. I just want to show my parents i’m not a complete fuck up, that I can aspire to greater things in my life and be successful but theirs just so many roadblocks stopping me and I just find myself lost. One of these days I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop that bleach from just tipping all in my mouth and ending it all. My parents don’t care, they just think i’m lying when I try to talk to them. If I ever did tell them I was suicidal they’d think I am just lying for attention but I’m not. I just want to cry for help everyday but I can’t. I have to put on a front for my friends, my family, for everyone. Even trying for myself but I can’t. I don’t want to any longer. I don’t want to try to go on, I don’t want to fight this feeling, I just want to have no worries, to just be nothing, to be free.. I know those of you reading this may not understand, and may feel the exact way, I just can’t. I don’t want to turn to “god” or “religion” because that’s bullshit. I do believe in something, I just don’t know what. I believe in miracles, I just don’t believe in myself anymore. I just drag through the days with a fake smile on, while in reality I just want to have no cares, no worries, just be weightless, floating, free. I want to be able to just be in the clouds and just look at the beautiful sun for hours, just be happy. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want anyone to understand. I just want my parents to pat me on the back and give me a hug. I just want them to tell me they love me. I don’t want to be alone, but no matter what I do I always will be. My family, they’ll never read this, they’ll never know all the pain I go through. All the stress, all the loneliness I feel. I just want my family to be proud, I’ll never aspire to anything, anything but sadness.. I don’t deserve to live, there’s so many more kids out there who would absolutely kill to have my life i’m sure, have just even food on the table. I will never appreciate anything such as that, I’m so selfish for even considering suicide but I can’t help it. The more I type the more I just want to press that last period.. That last period in my life story. The one that ends it all. I just, I just can’t handle it anymore. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just wish my parents could understand. Part of me wishes my father was right behind me right now reading this so maybe he would understand. Maybe he would hug me and tell me he loves me. He means the world to me. My read dad was a drug dealer. He went to jail when I was 4, and the next time I saw him was when I was about 11. I don’t remember him before I saw him when I was 11. He was kind, just a perfect dad to me, always taking me to the movies, and out to eat, and buying me new toys from the Marvel series. During winter break when I was 12, he would always bring these college girls around and just leave me in the living room with my toys, just dump me off for hours, days, this just continued. He began getting into drugs again and I finally told my mom. She got me away from him by the courts, and my grandfather, the man I absolutely love so much. Screamed at me in the court room, asking me how I could do this, be such a terrible son to my dad. Basically, the one I call dad now ( Chris  is his name ), has always raised me like a son, although I’ve always called him by “Chris”. I love him more than a son could ever love a dad and I just want to make him proud but i’ll never do that. So as I write these last sentences, I can not tell you the future. Whether I turn up dead, or whether I just drag through it all. I’m so afraid of death, but why should I be? Everyone dies at some point. I just always thought I’d die doing something good, I always thought, “When my life does end, I’ll be able to look back and have a honest smile on my life”.. I can’t smile, I don’t want too. I just want to quit, throw in the towel. If there are any of you out there like me, I don’t want to fight. I just want to see my dead grandma, my dead grandpa. I miss them so much.. I’m sorry dad, I’m sorry mom, I just wanted to make you proud parents.. I love you.