There is something worse than being retarded. It’s being a retarded person who is self-aware enough to know they’re retarded. I am retarded, and I know it. Like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon. Like him, I started out oblivious. I had a vague understanding that other people were making fun of my face, my actions, my words, my clothing, and the fact that I was never coordinated or fast enough to play sports at gym class no matter how hard I tried (nor, for that matter, could I make any sense of the rules). I became self aware very slowly, over time. I started to become aware that although I had eyes, nose, and mouth like other people, mine weren’t designed like theirs. Mine didn’t fit my face right. My eyes turn upward, my little mouth can’t turn up into a smile, my nose beaks out. The reason they laughed at me was because mine looked strange, and they could tell that I am a person of low intellect just by seeing my face. When Charlie Gordon has brain surgery, he goes from being a retarded man to a genius. He starts to understand, when he becomes intelligent, all the ways that people used to make fun of him, and why. When he was completely retarded he thought they were his buddies, he thought they were laughing with him. He looks back with his new mind and knows they were laughing at him. Well, I never had brain surgery, and I’ll never be a genius. But what I did gain through a lot of effort is enough self awareness to know how “special” I am. Many retarded people never reach this level of awareness. That’s why they seem so happy. They are blissfully unaware. But some of us aren’t.  So as an adult, when people make fun of me, I know what they’re doing. I know what they’re thinking. And I know I have no power to transform myself into something socially acceptable or even desirable.
I am forced to try to hide it as much as possible. Why? To pick up some jobs here in town. To look as competent as possible. I don’t let people know that I could never get behind the wheel of a car, or that after twenty years I can’t figure out which side of the street I’m supposed to walk on, or that I have to check the stove whenever I walk by because I might have left it on, or that I don’t know how to put money in the bank. But they know. They see it written on my face, my slanted eyes, or the fact that I am just a head taller than their mailbox, and they know. But for my sake, they pretend they don’t see it.
If there is such a thing as hell, it’s a retard who knows they’re a retard. A person who understands the un-bridgeable gap between them and the rest of humanity. Who doesn’t get asked “who are you dating” because everyone knows it’s awkward, because everyone knows people like me don’t go on dates, we don’t get married, we don’t even have friends usually. A person who has to try to hide that blush of shame and embarrassment on somebody elses’ wedding day when we all try to avoid the elephant in the room. The only time I’ve been asked on a date, were jokes. Or when we sit around talking about jobs and I have to pretend like I have no ambition. I have to pretend like I never wanted to be an astronaut, or a zookeeper, or a police officer or whatever the fascination was during a particular stage in life. I have to pretend like I never wanted it. Because I can’t have it either way, and to admit that I would have wanted those things, is simply uneccesary pain and embarrassment. Pretend that scrubbing toilets was your lifelong ambiton. Pretend to be happy. Pretend to care about a world that spits on you and ridicules you. Pretend you aren’t an embarrassment to your family and a joke to the world. Pretend you don’t want to commit suicide because the fact is you are too incapable of finding a way to do it.  Pretend, pretend, pretend.
It’s a crime to bring somebody into this world. But it is barbaric, to bring a retard here, where they are not welcome, where they are helpless, where they are forced to pretend.
23 comments
why do you say it is a crime to bring somebody into this world?
I understand WHY you say it is barbaric to bring a retarded person into the world, but I disagree. I would rather be retarded than not live. a lot of people would. sure, some of those people aren’t retarded so they might not know what they are talking about. but I assure you there are people with problems worse than yours, and are glad that they are alive (aware of what they’re talking about).
ok, but I can’t prove that.
but you have much more to live for than you are saying. having more intelligence doesn’t equal having more reason to live, and vice versa, less intelligence doesn’t mean less reason to live. at that rate, should goldfish die? but everyone wants their goldfish to live for as long as it can.
regarding your health, I have heard that if you eat a spoonful of coconut oil a day (raw, organic), it can cure brain diseases.
please send me an email, openthymouth318 at gmail
Piece of shit statement. You have no clue how it fucked up it is to be retarded. “Many people have it worse” is that supposed to make him feel better?
You’re not even a retard. Don’t say things like that.
I agree with duke, you have an extraordinary vocabulary. Stop belittling yourself.
I always read your posts rach and you always make me sad your a beautiful person on the inside, It shows through your writing. i just wish humanity could learn to look past people’s looks. I truly wish you well.
Duke…I am mentally retarded. I do not have down syndrome but a different genetic condition. There are many disorders that cause retardation. Mine is one. And my vocabulary was left in tact. I do get offended when people say “you are not retarded.” Yes, I am, medically. Medically my brain is damaged. It is not self-belittlement to state the facts. If I allowed you to see a picture of me you would be able to see that I am a person with physical AND mental disabilities.
Definition of retarded:
1. characterized by a slowness or limitation in intellectual understanding and awareness, emotional development, academic progress, etc.
2. stupid or foolish.
You dont seem slow, and you seem to be very aware of your emotions and whats going on around you.
I dont mean to offend you but I dont see what makes you retarded, I mean lots of peope have brain damage but that dosent make them retarded.
Again I dont mean to offend you, and I apologize in advance if I did.
I meant it doesn’t make any difference to us. I can imagine that you are in very bad shape but you’re still a person and as obvious as it might be it shouldn’t make any difference to whether people like you or not.
I’m not going to be coming back here.
< If you want to stay in contact with me don't hesitate to send me an email
A few years ago a friend of my sister’s got pregnant. The pregnant woman found out that her unborn fetus was severely mentally retarded. (The baby might have had Downs Syndrome but I don’t remember exactly). The pregnant woman was told by her doctor that the child would never be self sufficient. The baby would grow up to become an adult who would be dependent on others for the rest of his life. The child would never experience a “normal” life.
The doctor asked the woman if she wanted to terminate her pregnancy. It would be considered ethical and perfectly legal to abort the fetus. After all, the kid was doomed – he was going to begin life without ever having a shot at normalcy. The mother said no. “I will love and care for my child regardless of whether or not he’s developmentally impaired”.
I can’t help but wonder….is it selfish to bring another life into this world if you know that this person will never be able to experience an acceptable standard of living? Idk. Touchy subject. There were about six of us in the room when my sister told me this and I was the only one who thought the pregnant woman should spare the child a lifetime of misery. But whatever… a “mothers love”? Who knows.
I won’t argue with your claim that you are mentally impaired, but by medical definition mental retardation is when you have an IQ under 70. I think it’s beyond blatant that you don’t have a low IQ let alone one to that degree. Having a large vocabulary and being able to articulate thoughts in a exceedingly sophisticated manner beyond that of the average person is a key indicator of intelligence – if the average person could write and articulate like you can everyone would do it, which is clear that not everyone can do that.
(i dont mean to come off like I think i’m all that smart lol)
are you sure your claim that you’re retarded is really excluding your low self esteem? If you looked like the cultural epitome of beauty but retained the same mentality as you have now would you still call yourself retarded? You honestly don’t seem retarded or autistic (I know there’s a difference) in the least bit, I feel like your repetitive claim that your’e retarded is a figment of your low self esteem mostly, but that’s just what I think
But the crux of the story seems to come at the moment when the bullies lay in full bore.
“Really, I am like a bull,” say the bullies in the china shop, and they need little to go on. Let the tiniest detail about a lonely person be askew in any way, then the bullies in the cliques tramp her under their hooves to produce a loner, flat as a blueberry flapjack.
The phenomenon runs rampant in modern society, and it is cruel.
Not to dispute your claim, but your words reveal an insightful and intelligent mind. Whatever shortcomings you feel you have or actually have (these may be different than you believe at the moment) clearly you have some gifts too. Perhaps try to focus on those.
You can always leave that town and start over somewhere else, ya know. Somewhere you dont need a car, where there’s more work.. like a big city.
This is still a superficial society… You can’t escape the shallow and narrow minded…
So screw em!
You show more intelligence than a lot of my classmates.
“better late than never.”
It may take longer for someone who is retarded, to arrive at whatever conclusions or realizations… but slow is not the same thing as incompetent.
Some people are incompetent at full speed.
I’d rather be retarded.
What used to be called mental retardation (MR) is now called intellectual disability (ID). Although IQ scores of 70 (mild) and 55 (moderate) play some role in arriving at diagnosis, the diagnosis itself is not made from the IQ score alone, but only after also assessing how much the condition affects a patient’s activities of daily living, such as managing schoolwork, jobs, finances, household tasks, social relationships, and so on. So, some persons score lower than 70 on the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale but do not receive the ID diagnosis, while a few people ARE diagnosed with ID even though they scored higher than 70.
Diagnosis and treatment is always a matter between patient and doctor, and never something we in the Internet peanut gallery should presume to judge from outside.
In 1981 Stephen Jay Gould wrote a book, “The Mismeasurement of Man,” about abuse of IQ tests by professionals, especially using them to classify people on a scale of moral worth. At one time human intellect was measured by looking at brain size or at bumps on the skull, neither of which has anything to do with intellectual ability. Modern IQ tests are better, but still provide only limited information about a person’s mind. They are biased toward the things Western cultures value, like mathematics, spatial reasoning, and mechanical aptitude. They do not assess social skills even though getting along with other people is a major problem the brain “solves” when helping its owner survive and meet basic needs.
A professional reading the post here would not infer that its author was “retarded,” based on the writing. Nor would the professional likely think someone who could understand Keyes’ 1959 novel “Flowers for Algernon” had low intellectual function. (Algernon was the white lab rat in the story.) But reading something and meeting the author in person are two different things. Many things other than inability to reason verbally figure in ID anyway. There is memory, which comes in different varieties. The part of memory that processes words and sentences is different from the part that deals with planning, or with physical skills like driving a car. “Executive” judgment, an ability to make good decisions given rapidly changing social environments, is another thing that can be impaired while verbal ability is spared. A person can be diagnosed with ID because of problems in these areas even if reading and writing are “normal.”
We live in a judgmental and hypocritical society–that’s really the biggest problem. People with ID struggle to make it in this world and other people are often cruel to them.
@ Duke, I wish you wouldn’t go. I appreciate your contributions.
@ Hatshepsut, thank you for explaining that! It is very very hard for people to grasp the fact that I do have a higher than normal “verbal IQ” and yet am still mentally impaired! I do need help with day to day tasks and function about at the level of a ten year old. I will never drive a car, need help going to the doctor, don’t know anything about managing money, and so on and so on and so on. If I lived by myself, I might accidently start a fire or injure myself. I have many times reached into the hot oven without a mitt on, because I forgot the need for the mitt. I am always at risk of burning myself or setting accidental fire. I also am slow about communicating with others and take a long time to process what is said. I have never been able to hold down a “real job” because of my impairments. So although I can read and appreciate classical novels and poetry, and although I can write and read well, I am still extremely mentally challenged and cannot survive on my own.
I am sure you have all heard of “rain men” as in the movie “Rain Man” or autistic savants. These are people who are mentally disabled but are abnormally high-gifted in some area. For me, its’ reading and writing. It all has to do with certain parts of the brain being injured or impaired, and other parts ‘compensating’.
@ soulsister, YES, looks are all that seems to matter to most people. It makes me sick. None of us chose our looks. It’s like every time I am bullied for my looks (and this is every day), it’s like, do you people really think I wanted to look this way??!! Do you know I would go through enormous amounts of pain and suffering to look normal, if I could!? But most people get a sick kind of glee from tormenting us ugly ones.
@ C4 I think it is the height of selfishness to knowingly bring an impaired person into this world. What I’d say to the prospective mother is….is this quality of life (that your child is going to have), is it something you would want for yourself? And if it isn’t good enough for you then how dare you say it is good enough for your child.
rach, I love you. Peace. David
I suppose by definition, I’m “retarded”.
Nowadayz, I wonder if I actually have a defect in my brain. You know?
Anyway, like I was saying, I’m not utterly well educated… grammatical structure and its implications are far from me…along with other things. But nonetheless, I had a turn of trajectory back when I was 17 and I moved in with my grandmother…Since then, I’ve gotten to know Hollywood fairly well… and well… I’ve inadvertently broadened my vocabulary.
Here with my former, more sordid nature aside, through every solitary moment, I’ve somewhat set aside my narrow minded “nature”, and have been developing by _happenstance_ into something much more then I could have ever _conceived_.
Withholding every propagation of my happenstance, I only now know what is truly important…
*inadvertently, like many other things