Hie,i am new here.And i have planned to die.Or rather,planning to do so.I have read quite a few posts here,and i believe that there is a lot of frustration,self-unworthiness and bitterness amongst each of us.
I am an 18 yr old,just completed my 12th.I have been feeling depressed since,i guess,6th std.That was the time when my father came back from oman coz he lost his job.Since childhood i probably have been a girl with a lot of self-pride.Most importantly,i always needed validation from others as to who i am.I believe that it is due to my own weakness;my inability to accept myself.Anyway,so my problems started in 6th std.Father was at home,this led to a lot of tension brewing within the family.And i started feeling very lonely and helpless.I started being alone;mostly coz my friends bullied me and instigated everyone against me.It was painful.I still managed to make 2-3 besties after that,but obviously they were the wrong people.But all through i was good in academics;or at least average.However,i faced a lot of problems in self-acceptance and i felt vulnerable and easily misled.In my 11th i got in a serious relationship and my academics got side-tracked.at this moment i was facing a lot of problems dealing with my emotions.So obviously i fell really bad when the relationship broke off.i was not able to get over it.I jumped into another relationship,again got sidetracked and became pregnant.The incident of abortion somehow shook me badly.i started self-mutilation(my boyfriend couldn’t understand this!) and my self-respect and confidence took a deep dive.I started feeling that everyone is being judgemental about me.I did a lot of stupid things to vent out my emotions on those confession pages on facebook,and drew a lot of flak.This made me feel even more shittier and vulnerable.However,i decided to give myself a chance and decided to try again for the medical entrance exams.This time,though,it was the weaknesses,the negativity and the vulnerability of my mind that shook me off.I really screwed up this year as well.I really have no idea that how i secured a seat for dentistry.But now i feel incapable of everything.I never thought i was this weak.To me,death seems better than the fallacy of my own mind and the weaknesses of my own heart.I don’t remember a single day where i did feel good about myself.I am tired of being miserable.I am tired to fighting this negativity inside me.I am tired trying again and again of inculcating positivity and strength in me,which went6 futile.I wouldn’t have decided to die had i been better.I wish i could be a better person.Strong and dynamic.I am somehow living now,waiting for an opportunity to end my life.It is definitely better.