hope is cheap

feeling really sad and weepy today. why exactly i don’t know. went to see the shrink today. it is time to change meds again. going to try ( if insurance co lets me) viibrid. read some reviews about it. like everything else it is a savior for some and horrible for  others. they all mentioned weight gain as a side effect. great. already  feeling and looking bovinian as it is. having lots of trouble with my sense of taste. lots of things don’t taste good anymore, or after a few bites there is no taste at all. perhaps it is time to go back to my teenage years and just not eat. i wasn’t a very good anorexic back then but i can always try now. been feeling really detached from the world. like i am just an observer to someone’s pathetic little life. the ongoing battle in my head is leaning toward an early exit.  while my therapist and doctor are selling hope i am having a hard time seeing why i should buy it. i am losing confidence in this whole charade. someone tell me why today should not be my last?  what is the fucking point?  tell me how it is that i can hate myself so much but yet still keep trying. wtf?