I don’t want to die. I really don’t. Except everyday I go to sleep I wish this is the end. I wish I wouldn’t wake up. And every time I wake up I’m disappointed I did. And then I feel horrible about wanting to die when there are so many people who would give anything to live. So maybe I do want to die, but I just don’t want to kill myself. It’s why I had to stop the cutting, if I kept at it I would have killed myself.
There is a pit in my stomach and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I am going no where. Maybe all my ambition is gone and now I have nothing left. Maybe it’s because I am in love with my best friend. Or might be. I’m still not clear on that. But she’s straight. And I can’t. I shouldn’t. But I do. I don’t know. There was a time when I was sure about things. I had so much hope and so many expectations from life. I don’t feel like I”m 18. I just want this to end.