I dunno.

I just started this thing tonight. I needed a place away from everyone else. A place I could hopefully make someone understand but at the same time I hope no one does ya know? People shouldn’t have to understand what this feeling is. It nags at me constantly. Maybe I’m different from everyone else on here and maybe not. I dunno. Don’t care either. I wanted to kill myself when I was 30. That was a year ago but my roommate’s dad died a week before and with my horrible sense of obligation I tried to stay and help. But now? Now I’m feeling that year wear on me. And everyday I’ve gone past my 30th birthday I’ve gotten angrier and angrier and more frustrated. Now I’m in therapy having it pointed out to me that everyone I love uses me and doesn’t care. So now what? My first year of college is almost over and I’m even more unhappy and miserable. All I keep thinking is that I’ll be 31 in a week and I’m one year past what I wanted and that my obligation to everyone is over. Maybe now I can end all of this and feel some relief. I don’t much care what happens after this and I don’t know if anything is after this. Don’t much care either. All I know is that it won’t be this same shit, miserable existence. All I want and need now is peace. And maybe in death I can have that.