At this point I have been having thoughts of doing this for a week. I just can’t do it anymore. I haven’t been happy. I am so hurt and won’t ever be happy again. I am as low as a person can ever get and just keep getting hurt and cry all the time cuz nothing gets better. I already have all my goodbyes written and goodbye videos. I have my notes in place and I have no emotions anymore. I know how I am going to do this. And right now, it will be done tomorrow.
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I’ve had many tomorrows, and I’ve known the emptiness you feel…. Over and over, every morning opening my eyes and cursing that I’ve awakened. I was in the Iraq War in the beginning, saw so many things that have made me ashamed of the human race. Then I came back home and did thinks that made me ashamed of myself.
They diagnosed me with PTSD and severe dissociative disorder. I can’t seem to connect with people. I’ve been to rehab multiple times for substance abuse. Attempted suicide but chickened out in the last minute. In that last minute, I saw a light. Not in the world. Not in others. But in myself.
The moment you accept everything that’s been done to you… The moment you embrace that pain… That is when you’re free.
No one can stop you.
I would first off like to thank you for your service and I am sorry everything you have been through.
It’s just everything in my life has gotten worse and worse and nothing gets better
Tomorrow will become your today, your today your yesterday. There will always be a tomorrow to long for. Telling you to hang in the will be a hypocrite thing to say. I know the reason I’m still here is fear of making the wrong choice. Fear keeps me from living and dying.
I don’t know your story, your reasons, your life. But if you had to write goodbye letters, videos and more, it means that deep inside you know there are people who care. The big question is, DO YOU CARE? I’ve looked myself in others, in my environment, my surroundings. It’s now when i’m searching where I was supposed to since the beginning. ME.
The pain you can cause to a few by departing so soon tempts me. The idea that someone will care, cry, miss me. At least for a moment I will be someone to remember. I long for that. But I want to be remember by giving happiness, not pain. So I hang in there and I try to find strength and hold on to anything I can, even if it breaks a moment after i grab it. Some days are harder than others. Some moments I get to breath and feel the breeze are so short that I barely notice. They pass me by.
I wish you the best of luck in any path you decide to take. In the end there is no right and wrong choice. We just make our roads as we walk. Good luck friend. Have a beautiful ride.
That was very thought out and meant something. Sitting there reading both of what you wrote has made me think some. My mind hasn’t changed but it changed some. The thoughts are still there but not as strong.
Some is all you need. Life is moments that pile and build over each other in time. Happiness is a choice, perception is a choice. Life is a choice. We choose how to live, and for me it’s awesome to choose how to die. Not to have it taken from you when you least expect. But I think than desperation, frustration, pain are not reason enough for me to do so. Fulfillment is. Happiness is. I imagine that at some point in my life i will feel so damn good that I will choose to die that happy at that very moment. Leaving with sorrow in my expression depresses me. Leaving with a smile haunts me. But if you think of it, death is the last thing going over your head when you are happy.
I don’t know if you have a reason to live. If you understand that the reason to die should be more intense. Dying is transcending, the apotheosis of your life. If you have decided that nothing but yourself will have the privilege of opening that door to the unknown, at least make sure that the best feelings are with you at that moment. Not the worst 😉
Making a video….. great idea…. you helped me out with this,,,,, I admire it. Now I’ll make my video, much more effective than a suicide note….(I believe).
All the best to you.
I’ll see you on the other side myself, soon, maybe very soon, but nonetheless in the foreseeable future.
My date is not set yet, but I know its coming.
please dont go. none of you..