Let me ask a stupid question again. So I am taking part in this research study on how sports activity affects depressed people. We are 5 participants and 4 jogging instructors, but it was only the first meeting, so apparently more people will join in later. Anyways, some of you may know I am shy. And I was running next to a girl for the first 10 minutes and we said nothing, it was really awkward. Eventually she just jogged past me and started talking to another girl and I ended up talking to another computer science student about technical stuff. It really bothers me cause I know she expected me to say something, but I just didn’t. I know she must have some kind of depression too, otherwise she wouldn’t be taking part in this project, but she seemed pretty normal. This has happened to me so often, because apparently I look like a normal person, but once people start trying to talk to me my brain just shuts of for whatever reason. And I don’t want to ruin it again. Wednesday is the next time we go jogging and I want to be prepared. So what should I say? I already know “Just be yourself” and “Talk about the weather” blablabla. I mean seriously, “Nice weather, eh?” isn’t the best way to start a conversation. And do I just walk up to her before the jogging starts and start talking? Or do I wait until we start running? I know all the generic answers already, so please be specific. And I have no problem if you tell me this is pathetic, because you’re right.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
25 comments
Say, “This reminds me of this one time when I had to chase a family of squirrels around the yard because they stole my car keys and I had to get to work. I was late, of course, and the stupid squirrels taunt me every time I go onto my back porch. Ever have anything like that happen to you?”
Works every time. ๐
Or, just say, “Hi,” and see where it goes from there. ๐
That would be so unauthentic because I’d have no idea what to follow up with. And if I say Hi and she says Hi what do I say next? Something like How are you? Or Do you like jogging? My brain doesn’t work when I am nervous, I have to set up everything in advance to not mess it up.
Ask her how she’s doing and why she’s taking part in the activity. Maybe she’ll open up to you, which will make her feel good, and maybe you can open up to her too. If that doesn’t work, ask her what she likes, what she wants to be when she’s older, and other stuff to like. It makes for a great conversation. You both get to open up and learn a lot about each other very quickly. Don’t be afraid to talk a little bit about yourself too though. I know how it is to be shy. It’s hard to make a conversation. But try to have a genuine curiosity about people and what they’re like and enjoy doing, and you can talk for hours at a time. Be confident and smile. You’ll be fine. ๐
Unauthentic exchanges are the ones that are planned out and coordinated beforehand. Be spontaneous! As the singing instructor in Happy Feet said. ๐ “Hi!” is a great start, but it can go anywhere from there.
I meant to respond to ClairDeLune. My bad. lol
There’s a certain beauty to being able to run and talk/bark orders at the same time. It’s very beneficial to the cardiovascular system, as it encourages extra, รขโฌลgood” air to be brought in whilst expelling the รขโฌลbad” air in tandem. Just a random musing, don’t mind that.
Now, most of my conversations tend to be ol’ war stories and times where I’d tried running up a steep incline in the heavy rain, only to tumble and fall into Lake Ratchet. You’ve stated that you like everything set up in advance, so you’re going to have your work cut out for you, seeing that no one conversation will ever be the same.
You know, I’ll be honest: There is no right or wrong thing to say to her. Whatever you do say, say so with meaning and if not looking into their eyes, glance in their general vicinity. Obviously, avoid running into a street sign (I did once – the girl running with me almost died from laughter as I *literally* recoiled from how fast I was going) but in my experience, it’s how you engage them in conversation and intensity in running that’ll entice them more than anything you’d talk about.
Not sure if this’ll help, but that’s my 2รยข anyway.
Funniest thing to say might be “Hi, i don’t know what to say to you but we should be talking now or this is going to be as ackward as the last time, remember? when we ran next to each other for something like 10 minutes without saying and word? :D”
Yeah, brutal honesty works best at times, i know i would laugh if someone said that one to me haha.
This is precisely the way I would go – It wouldn’t be the first time i said to a girl i wanted to speak to “Hi, I have no idea what to say cuz I suck at this but … ‘Hi’ … and now you know I’m not a good public speaker”
And Lorax is correct, if you have to “script” everything you have already blown the deal because it sounds scripted (read: phony) … and women despise phony. Women respect and tend to engage “confidence”. So your best scripted/phony line will fail while your worst statement uttered in total confidence will work.
Also, If you start from the assumption that she will say “no” or “go away” to anything you say, then it really does not matter what you say because if she doesn’t say “no” then it worked but if she does say “no”, it met your initial expectation. ๐
love dawg
@lorax: Yeah you’re right. But even though what I say may be unauthentic because I planned it ahead, it may seem authentic because I planned it right.
I guess once I’m in a conversation I can be spontaneous because I don’t have to think and can just talk. It’s just the initiation of the conversation. Anyways, thanks everyone for encouraging me, maybe I’ll make a post tomorrow night about how successful I was.
It’s not so much about authenticity vs. unauthenticity – it’s about realizing that if you do something wrong (wrong? what does that even mean in this context?) and she decides she doesn’t like you, or she’s indifferent to you, you’re no worse off than you would be if you did nothing at all. Just relax, don’t get any expectations, positive or negative, and just treat her like another fellow human being – don’t try to score points, don’t try to scheme about getting her interested in you, just talk to her like you’d talk to a friend, or someone you know already. That’s really all there is to it.
My brain is telling me to argue against what you’re saying, but I really shouldn’t do that. The more I tell myself that it is hard the more will I actually believe that and the more nervous will I be.
“just treat her like another fellow human being”
Yeah, I guess this is what it comes down to, although it’s not really easy to just turn all other thoughts off somehow..
It seems like it should be the most natural thing in the world, but every creature in nature needs to practice their art before they can make it that easy. It’s about centering yourself in that moment, and just letting yourself enjoy a conversation with a stranger. That’s the goal. Heh, I’m one to talk – I rarely even talk to the people I see every day, but I worked in sales for three years and that experience kind of bashed through my shell pretty thoroughly. It really isn’t that hard, but when you’re not used to doing it, it can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. Just take it one step at a time, man, and don’t worry if you think you did or said something wrong, because that’s all part of the practice. The only wrong thing is not trying, because you won’t learn from *not* doing something.
Sorry (I art lorax ๐ decided to change my stripes)
Ok, it didn’t go as well as I would have liked it to go, but at least we talked for like 10 minutes. They were jogging in front of me and then she slowed down to talk to me. And it was just boring smalltalk. When we were running up a slope and she asked me a question I was so out of breath I just mumbled something and repeated it like 3 or 4 times until she understood me. I think she was a little annoyed by that. After 10 minutes she started talking to the others again and I jogged alone for the rest of the time.
I guess I am just no fun to talk to. I wonder why I was even stupid enough to raise up my hope of getting to meet new friends. I’ve failed every single time in my life so far, why did I think it would work this time? Einstein would probably call me insane now, and he would be right.
Being no fun to talk to is an easy fix. Rather than think about -you- being no fun to talk to, think about whether -you- have fun making smalltalk with other people. Then, if the answer is no, find ways to change that – bring out that inner-lunatic and let him wreak havoc on the English language and the absurdity of life, in subtle shades. For you. And consequently, for whoever you’re talking to. People enjoy it when you’re enjoying what you’re doing, even if it’s completely mundane and senseless.
Well, I have fun making smalltalk with someone when that someone has fun making smalltalk with me. The guy I chatted with last time apparently liked talking to me and I enjoyed the same as well. But that’s because we shared a common interest, and because he was a guy.
“bring out that inner-lunatic and let him wreak havoc on the English language and the absurdity of life”
I can do that when I’m feeling confident when I’m around people I’ve known for years. I’d even say I’m pretty crazy when I don’t have to care about the consequences of what I’m saying. I mean, they know me very well and they don’t judge me when I say something stupid, so I’m not afraid of saying silly things. But I can’t seem to be this same person when I am nervous, although I’d really like to.
That is just like me, when I know someone it’s fine but I am so fearful of saying something silly or my words are taken the wrong way that I feel it’s better to say little; put me with a group of people and it’s even worse, I go completely silent and that makes me look really stupid, oh, how I envy those who can just talk to anyone.
What consequences are you nervous about? Say you see some girl on the street, and you get the inclination to want to talk to her, what is it that holds you back from saying hello? That’s kind of a rhetorical question because I think it’s probably the same for everyone, and I even worry about it (I think I suck at it, in my own estimation), but I have this stupidly naive idea that no matter how much I may suck at it, if I’m able to be confident with people I know, it shouldn’t be any different with people I have yet to even introduce myself to. It’s the pure experience of doing it that gets the ball rolling, and repeated attempts to break through that barrier that finally collapses it. At least, that’s my theory. It’s like using exposure therapy to treat avoidant personality disorder or social anxiety – it’s blunt, terrifying, but hugely successful, and it must be nice to be a therapist using that therapy, since all they do is drop the patient into a room full of strangers, and then lock the doors and play sudoku on their laptops for a few hours. Not to mention the huge bill at the end of each session.
It’s a great image of that type of therapy, lol, I used to know someone who could talk to anyone without a care, he’d talk to people in the street, I wished some of that would’ve rubbed off on me, but no. I keep saying I’ll do it, be more outgoing but I’m yet to make the breakthrough.
I think it’s something you have to force yourself to do – or, as the case may be, get forced into doing it by a therapist who gets to play sudoku all day long while you’re in a locked room full of strangers. lol — it’s really uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, and probably frightening enough to send someone into a full-on panic attack, but like I said, the success rates with it are so high because of the experience people gain from it. That’s really all there is to it – experience and pure, unadulterated terror. ๐ฎ Heh, working in a sales job is probably just as effective, imo. Plus you get paid for it rather than having to pay for it.
“What consequences are you nervous about?”
Im nervous about making them dislike me. That’s about it. And even if you ask what the problem with that might be if you’re never gonna see them again, I still hate making people dislike me (at least most of the time…). But I understand what you are saying. And if I could turn of my nervousness somehow I’d definitely do that. I can force myself to do things, like walk up to her and say something, but I can’t force myself to do something which cannot be forced, ie being spontaneous.
You can’t do it at first, but you can do it over time with the more experience you have approaching new people. Which means you’re probably going to mess up once in a while. Even the most charismatic people on earth get shot down from time to time, and it takes a lot of experience to gain that kind of charisma.
@Debussy: Did you make any eye contact or smile at her when you talked to her earlier?
Hm maybe a little, we were jogging and mostly just looking forward or at the ground, we were both a little out of breath. And yes I smiled, at least a few times. I mean how weird would I look if I just randomly smiled all the time for no reason.
When I think about it, I actually didn’t look at her before we started running. Don’t know if that counts.
Haha, the perma-smile. Good job though, man. Keep at it. An 1,100 pound polar bear doesn’t break the ice all at once.