So I’ve suspected what was coming for a few weeks and had plenty of time to contemplate what would happen. My love finally told me last night she wasn’t coming home to me and that she needed a divorce. Unfortunately she’s halfway around the world “defending our country” and I’m left home keeping her house ready for her for the next couple months. Of course when she gets back I’ll need to leave my life behind. My family, house, sanity becomes hers. She’s not angry and has been talking to me about getting help but it doesn’t help. I’m currently in therapy and on meds but I’ve done that before and it didn’t help me. I’ve been hospitalized and really don’t want to waste anybody’s time. I just put on my mask and tell them what they want to hear so I can get out but I always go back to the same feeling.
So here I am, heartbroken and about to be be financially ruined. I committed so far into this marriage that I didn’t leave myself an out. Through my own stupidity, I have child support from a previous disaster that takes up half my paycheck. As it is now, I wouldn’t have enough to live never mind the second child support waiting for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and wish them the best that life has to offer but I don’t have the skills to show them how to live when I can’t even do it for myself. The hard part now is trying to figure out a way that they’ll be taken care of and won’t have the trauma of finding me while their perfect mother is “saving the world”. Death is full of choices…
12 comments
“I’m currently in therapy and on meds but I’ve done that before and it didn’t help me. I’ve been hospitalized and really don’t want to waste anybody’s time. I just put on my mask and tell them what they want to hear so I can get out but I always go back to the same feeling.” So you don’t participate in your own well-being, but you’re snide where your wife is concerned because she has decided she doesn’t want to take care of you and listen to you whine anymore. As the saying goes, “Come down of that cross; someone else needs the wood.” You’re not suicidal, but you are obscenely self-absorbed. You enjoy your misery too much to put an end to it. Go to therapy and learn how to be a dignified man who is a real father to his children.
woah. easy girl. dial that comment back. maybe stop pouring judgement dressing all over his problem salad he’s got going on here.
hey bro I feel for you. especially the pain of exploring the psychiatric avenue and coming up empty. I know that feel all too well my friend. take it easy on yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far. your wife just cares about u and wants the best for u regardless of this nasty divorce. your children love you too and I’m sure you’re a great dad buddy. keep your head up and keep digging through the shit. you’ll find gold at one point. I’m sure of it. cheers
Thank you for your kind words killswitchon. It’s confusing when the person that knocked me down so low turns around and tries to tell me how great I am. I mean, I understand what she’s doing but it doesn’t really make sense to me.
I really hope you’re hanging in there, as hard as it is. Went through it five years ago, and was devastated.
Still not happy…depression still all-encompassing…but I’m finally back on my feet financially, after we divorced. I’m turn 34 tomorrow and I’m feeling pretty poorly, but your post reminded me about how it was when he first left me.
I genuinely hope you’re doing okay. You can do this.
You’re right, killswithon. I shouldn’t be so harsh and I may be projecting because this story sounds oddly familiar. My husband and I are getting a divorce right now and this is his second divorce. I’ve heard this song before and my husband’s singing it again. Loves the kids but the money…the loser ex-wife…but never once did timetogo76 say that he loves his wife and will fight for her or their marriage.
Hey man, first off i just want to say i’m sorry to hear you’re in this situation, it sucks she’s leaving but dying is not the way to fix this. your previous posts said you were in a dual military relationship (i just went back to read previous posts by you) which means your trained to fight dosnt it? to never give up and find away to complete your mission (or prehaps my image of military is way off, which is possible). You said that you have been hospitalized and medicated before but you didnt feel they work, the problem is that the mind is unique, from person to person. what would “fix” one person wouldnt work on another, the right combination of meds and therapy and therapist can be found but through trial and error. but none of those things can happen untill you take the mask off, without complete openess on your part no one can help, you dont want to waste peoples time but you fail to realise they chose to spend that time on you, its their choice to help you, they can walk away but they didnt. which means that wether you believe it or not, your worth saving, worth helping, it only becomes a waste of time when you hold back. I truely belive no person can ever be so broken that they cant be fixed, all thats needed is the right person with the right tools to help.
You say you dont know how to help your kids, to show them how to live when you cant yourself, your never too old to learn mate, why dont you watch your kids, they can be pretty damn smart, whos to say they wont show you how to live, we often learn alot from kids, your job is to guide them, give them a code to live by, the encouragment and love they need. you may struggle for money, but kids dont need to be spoilt, i know if id to choose between a father who threw money at me, or one who was there for me emotionally and physically id choose the second one. but one thing i do know is you cant be a good father when your dead. life assurance dosnt pay out in cases of suicide, so what do you offer if your dead? Life is hard man, im not saying it isnt but youve got someone to live for, to fight for, your kids, to be an example that they can follow, but you need to fight, fight hard to be all you can be, which, for the record i think is one hell of a guy. sorry if this is a bit long, its been way too long since i was on here and i felt drawn to the post. Stay strong man
Thank you for taking the time to comment. We are in fact military which presents it’s own set of problems with something like this. We’re stationed together for as long as the military decides we’re here. We work pretty close to each other and interact with all the same people. Most days I run into a couple of people that will ask how she’s doing or how does she like it out there. I actually took a week off so I don’t have to constantly be faced with telling them enough of my personal issues so they back off or wearing a plastic smile and acting like everything is fine. Neither option is really all that appealing to me.
Any other time I consider the thought of me punching to be absolutely ridiculous but once the depression and anxiety kick in, it’s all I can think about.
Ooops, didn’t finish that last point. My husband never made any effort to work on his marriage nor save it when it was in peril. He was just miserable from day one. And I assure you, I am the wife to have.
Y’know what, Procel, you’re right. Timetogo76, I’m very sorry I said what I did.
No worries and no need for apologies. I love my wife with all my heart. I’ve had learn how to show it over the years but I know I got there well before she stopped loving me. I don’t know your situation but I can at least relate to a being the only one fighting to save the marriage. I’m sorry he wasn’t what you needed him to be and I hope you find your happiness.
I need to provide some clarity to what i said earlier. Concerning my wife, I’m not entirely sure how to fight for her when she doesn’t feel “that connection” with me. I will seize any opportunity to win her back but it’s difficult even trying to talk to her when she’s away. She completely controls any and all conversations we have and will just stop answering my messages if she doesn’t like what I’m saying or senses me getting emotional. I can’t say I was perfect, far from it, but I feel I am an attention and,loving husband. She even agrees that I’ve done everything I could though that may just be her trying to console me a little.
As,for the hospitalization, in my experience being hospitalized is more about making sure I’m not an immediate threat to myself than diagnosis and treatment. My priority when I’ve been hospitalized has been to get out as quick as possible mostly because I could stand being there but also because I understood why I was really there. The therapy sessions have been helpful insomuch as they have helped me come to see what we believe the root of the problem is but I have yet to learn how to deal with it. I sought treatment each time because I believe I can’t heal without their help. I actually started this round 2 weeks ago because I really started to breakdown. Even though she hadn’t said it, I think I must have known it was coming. I don’t have much experience with different types of medications but the couple I’ve tried don’t seem to help. Unfortunately I think I stopped treatment too early last time and wasn’t ready to handle it on my own again. This time the doc put me on Zoloft as a starter. She told me she doesn’t think it will help with my situation but she wants to see how I respond. I really need the combination to work because I can’t spend the next three months waiting for the end.
You’re absolutely right. Hospitalizations are often for acute situations and not intended for chronic conditions or long-term, comprehensive care. Also, as military personnel your options for treatment may be limited by the dictates of the branch of the armed services in which you serve. People are prematurely discharged without a diagnosis or workable exit strategy (from the hospital, not the planet), and rarely is there follow-up. Interesting that the doctor started you on a prescription and stated that she doubts it will be effective. In your post you say that you see the root of the problem — that is the crucial step. Learning how to deal with it is a process — sometimes a long one — and you may have put in more work than you give yourself credit for. You may not be receiving adequate care by whomever is treating you.