I just want to sleep, dreamless, for eternity.
My life is destroyed beyond repair due to actions and decisions I made while having bipolar episodes. My financial state is ruined because of mania and my academic/professional state is in tatters because of depression. I have wasted time, ignored my talents, and destroyed my opportunities.
I have been on countless medications, slogged through endless CBT appointments. Nothing is working. I have no hope left. I am a ruined, broken creature. I do not have it in myself to continue any longer.
I regret leaving behind those that care for me – especially my boyfriend and father. However, I cannot cope with the reality that I will be an emotional and financial burden to my dearest love – my soulmate – a man I never thought I would be fortunate enough to find in this lifetime. I cannot endure the years ahead with the knowledge that I am bleeding him emotionally dry. And then, one day, when he too is broken – because I broke him – he will leave.
My darling love, I am so very sorry for everything you have had to endure and all you will endure. I watch myself losing control and saying things that have hurt you – made you cry. I loathe myself beyond measure in those moments. Yet, you always forgave me and loved me. You held me while I cried in agony, your patience and love immeasurable. Please forgive me for leaving you. Understand that I could no longer cope with this life. The constant pain I am in is something no one should have to suffer. Do not blame yourself. Do not torture your mind with what if’s and wonder if there was anything you could have done better because you did all you could – more than I could have ever dreamed of. Grieve for me – for I know you will – but choose to look to the light with the knowledge that you will find happiness and love again. And one day, a long time from now, we will be together as we have been many times before. You have been the final blessing of my life and know that as my physical body falls into its eternal slumber, my final thought will be of you.
To my father – I am sorry. You have had so many hardships in your life, yet you kept on. I admire you beyond words for that. You lost your own soulmate so long ago, yet, instead of giving up you chose life and your children. I may have inherited your intelligence, but not your strength. Daddy, please understand I am in so much pain. I have messed things up beyond repair and there is no way out of this stifling haze of complexities I have put myself in. You are a wonderful father to me and you always did the best you could. What I have to do is in no way a reflection on you. I beg you not to feel any guilt because there was nothing you did wrong. I am lucky to have had you for a parent and that is something I have never taken for granted. If it wasn’t for the love, support, and encouragement you gave me as I grew up, I wouldn’t have lasted this long. I am sorry beyond words to do this to you. But once it is over I will no longer be in pain – the nightmare will finally be over. I love you so much.
Bipolar disorder is a swirling, black, tornado that sweeps you up, tosses you around, stifles you and hurts you and all those around you. Then when it finally puts you down, all you are left with is the damage it has wrought in its destructive path.
8 comments
twbnm,
I am in much the same boat, with major manic-depression and the havoc/fallout. I lost my marriage of ten years due to instability & numerous hospitalizations and a subsequent relationship to a troubled musician with alcohol problems.
I lost my footing in my career path (tech/design), something I loved and miss everyday.
Do not give up yet, please.
Have been walking along the ledge myself and know how hard it is, especially the overpowering guilt afterwards. Your father and your partner want to see you recover and thrive; they do not want to see you destroyed by this.
My father has given up on me and my partner and I are now homeless again. So at least you are not in that boat, I’m guessing.
I feel broken and shell-shocked, too. I cannot recover what I lost but if I can get something else good and can be useful and whole again that is what can I hope for now.
I am about to lose shelter but cling to the hope that I can survive somehow and not succumb to suicide.
<3,
-meg
i am bipolar and im going to die soon
You go to CBT as well? May I ask which one you go to? I go there as well.
The structure of the world humanity’s mind has created … Is a violation of the Love that exists within each of us. But the majority, especially men and our patriarch dominated culture, are clueless to the depths you experience. There is reason why so many women want to commit suicide today… It is because they are sane beings living within a human world that is complete insanity.
It is time we say NO. I’m not buying into this lie of survival, of accomplishment, of self- aggrandizement (which can only occur if we put down another) any longer.
You ARE THE SANE ONE.
therewillbenomore: I have a few words for you.
Your suicide note will have a devastating effect on the “daddy” and the “soul mate” you leave behind, if in fact your cowardice brings you to the point where you commit this act. Your note is astonishing in its self-focused, self-centered qualities. In it, you profess to love both of these people, and express appreciation for all that they have tolerated from you over the years, and the way you have of paying them back is this? Just what kind of self absorbed, selfish self centered person are you? You know full well that this is most harmful, most painful thing you could do to the people you profess – falsely, I believe – to love.
You cannot love someone while at the same time put their life in ruins because of your selfishness. So, my thoughts on this note are: You’re a liar. You don’t love these people, it’s not possible for you to love them, and do this to them. This note, so cleverly written to exact the most painful emotional toll you can, is written out of anger; the hostility is palpable. You can see it, especially with the rather transparent manner in which you play on the emotions of your own father by telling him how wonderful he is, and then including the patronizing “you did the best that YOU COULD,” – in other words, his failure to do more was a contributor to your own selfish actions. Perhaps that’s your way of flipping him off as you go. I am sure it will take him many years to figure out how he he could have done better by you. Possibly he never will and it will torment him to he goes to HIS grave. Perhaps that’s what you wanted all along.
Suicide is the act of taking the pain and desperation and projecting it all over the people closest to you. In this note, you’re virtually ensuring that they will be saddled with your misery and your issues forever. What a horrible thing to do to those you profess to “love.” Love? I don’t believe you even know the meaning of the word if you do this to them.
Guilt and shame is the worst way to help a suicidal person.
And how can you say she is being selfish her note reads to me that she is already feeling like a burden and needs to know that she is loved, if you don’t know these basic things you really shouldn’t be trying to “give advice” or “help others” when they are in such a vulnerable state.
You’re right – she acknowledges being “a burden.” Specifically, she says how she cannot go on being the “emotional and financial burden” that she claims to be currently. Her solution? To wreak a level of emotional torment on her survivors that will put the current burden look like the proverbial bed of roses.
We can glean some clues about the true character of the author of this note. First of all, this is not a stupid individual. She is well spoken, her words are carefully and methodically chosen. She knows what she’s doing and this note is is crafted to exact the maximum emotional toll from her survivors. There is much anger in this note and clearly her act of taking her own life is her way of laying that anger at the feet of those who survive her. This is not the letter or the the supposed act of an individual upon whom to take pity. This is an intelligent individual who is very cunning. She has probably spent years getting to this point, manipulating and deceiving others for her own emotional and, quite possibly, financial benefit. Do not let her claims of mental illness blind you to the selfish and narcissistic nature of this note. She cares only about herself.