Almost 3 in the AM

I want to die. No, I want to be brutally And painfully tortured and murdered. This is how much I hate myself. Everyone else pretty much feels the same way and there’s a reason for it. I’m a completely unlikable person. A mess that could never be loved, pity is not even reserved for people like me. I’ve even turned the person I love more than anything in the world, my best friend, my ally, my partner, completely against me. He can’t even summon up any type of positive feeling for me. I feel so lost, I don’t even know how I’m still alive. He doesn’t even think I’m a decent human being and he’s right. I have nothing to give anyone. Not Wesley and certainly not the children. I can’t live with myself anymore. Every inch of my body disgusts me. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to end it, I don’t think I deserve a painless death. I’m so scared and alone. All I can hope for is never having to feel anything again.