No Light for me.

What do i do . I dont know what to do anymore:(

I just know it aint gonna change

You cant run and hide from yourself

I posted my story i let it all out and i still feel the same. I’ve told my story to my family and wife. Still feel the same. How can i see your story?

Hello whoever wants to read and share some insight feel more then welcome. I’m gonna share a condensed version of my life story I think it will be good for me dunno but it cant hurt. here goes.

well I was born in 85 im an only child and I have two loving hard working parents always were always will be. I had a great first 5 years according to pictures and stories from family. the family next door and my family were close friends. well as close as neighbors can be I suppose. always cheerful and doin things for each other. always welcome in each others homes. My father and the father next door both worked at the same career.about a 15 year age difference between them dad being the younger one. my mom was good friends with the daughter. she had a couple kids we did lots of stuff together they were younger then me but like little sisters to me. I had a close relationship with one of their sons. he was like a big brother figure too me. he played video games with me and hockey and other things I really looked up too him a lot. anyway my paents trusted him to babysit me and he ended up sexually molesting me everytime he did for about a year. at that time I didn’t know it was wrong. I was a kid he was older and I just thought it was a game or something. after a year of this he sudeny stopped . and things were “normal” again. until in hit about 12 years old. I look back now and realize the great effect this had on me. I became a secretive peson I would do things for no good eson… sneaky… I would stat fires and steal from stores and sneak into the neighbors homes … I had no sense of boundaries after that happened it taught me to be secretive … “sly”. anyway when hit 12 I realized what had happened to me and I was wise enough to put two and two together and I broke down and cried and told my mom what had happened too me. it was devestatng she lost it as she herself was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and I could never have realized what her reaction could be but she had a fit and went off and just lost it. My dad confronted the prick and he admidded what he did and dad punched him out. but it wasntenough he stayed around for a while longer until one day he just left and wasn’t seen for a whle. by this tim I started hanging around with a rougher crowd and was experimenting with drugs and alcohol all the while my paents wee trying to keep me from going down that road but I had soo much pent up feelings they tried to get me help but i was too young and confused so i kept denying treatment. I ended up getting in trouble with these idiots. they picked on me after a while i thought i wanted their friendship but they were all fucked like me . there was a girl and she was permiscuous and they all tormented her me not so nuch but i got tanled up in the web and we were all charged with seual assault.. the cse went on for a year and we were aquitted and life went on. whil i was on an undertaking from the coursts the sent us to juvie for drinking in pulic. i didnt mind it there i ws a followere and i learned how to be comfortable there . when i got out i used to commit pettty crimes for the rush and i got sent back and went to a group home where i ended up running away and doin a brea and entry. the sent me back to juvie i was ashamed and new this wasnt me but i liked the punishment and nme it gave me. after all this i endend up goin to aduld prison where i got into fights and ended up going to a maximum security jail . i hooked up with bad click there and one of the guys ran his mouth and there was a stabbing i got 3 more years for someome eleses drama. anyway after this there was more fighting and i endedn up in segregation for 9 months . i broke down in there after looking around at the sociopaths i was around and realizing i was nothing like them i was an impostor. this was a terrible blow to me as i thought i was doin the right thing and in there if you fall out your a piece of shit so i ended up trying to kill myself by slasshing y wrists 30 times. didnt work went to psych ward and went back to segragation voluntarily for 18 months. hen i went back they put me on wing with the undesirables. i didnt speak for a month i though tof killing myself everyday the wole time iwas there. i met a friend a double murderer he was my rock he helped me get through and he saved my life by sharing his stories with me and offering somone to talk to .I got out and went to a halfway house broken and beatin. after a while i started to come round i even met a girl we fell in love i got a job at a carpet centre. we were happy despite my constant struggles within. i applied and did a cours in electrical and began an apprenticeship and have completed two yers of this. my last job was horrible . im an introvert and the boss was mean as hell and i endend up getting depressed again and quit second job i evr quit. i went into another depression and flew hom to be with my family. i feel now like i did in that cel in prison. i havent experianced joy in a long time and i dont know wht to do im at a loss. i have 0 friends . i coup up in the house online tryin to hela. iv been here 2 weeks now moping aaround at first i could barely taalk. i hve appointments with shrinks and psycologists to help with the past. my dad just tries to get me out helpin him with odd jobs and stuff. i dunno. my girl dont know wht to ne saying to me. she actually in a better place in her life and i dont want to bring her down…..so yeah thats my life… condensed

Like it slowly happened and i knew it would. I told them . I’m not right and im losin it and shit. And now it’s happened and boom everyone clueless all of a sudden.