Who am I?
I am close to 30, I am employed, I am appreciated at work, I love my mother, I have a somewhat understandable relationship with my father, I have 8 brothers and sisters, I have some friends, I had girlfriends in the past, I have a future.
From the age of 15 I felt weary of life, having a photographic memory and an IQ of 155, I know I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I excel in everything I put my mind to, but at the end of the day the only thing I wish for is to put a bullet in my head. I achieve “happiness”, or content from excersizing my brain, from doing things that are difficult, but the problem is that things keep becoming easier to do, what is the point if something is not difficult, everything is simple, life is fucking simple, so why bother with all of this.
Additional problems arose from this weariness and being wiser than the above-average Joe:
I don’t care for money, it is the means to an end
I don’t care about materializm seems redundant to buy unuseful things
I don’t care for love/marriage (I read a book Leon & Louise, scared me to death, about a man that felt the same thing and through marriage forgot it)
I put boundaries on suicide all my life, to try to convince myself to stay here:
– First it was to wait and see how things will develop – they developed I am successful, yay…
– Second it was god and his mighty – why let me live and people who want to live die? it doesn’t make sense, I asked you several times to terminate my existence, but noting…
– Third was finding the purpose of life, if there is a god – a 10 pages document which explains the theory of circling existence and continuation, if this is real I am fucked for eternity…
– Fourth was not to put stress on my family – a will, some documents, and cremation outside the boundries of my country should minimize the risk
Today, today I simply wait until I will find the easiest way to relieve myself from life.
And it seems I have found the way to end it, I just need to gather strength to accomplish the mission, if I had a gun in hand it would have ended in mere seconds and there is a chance of survival! I want 0% failure rate!
I hope that a day soon will come and I will not be here anymore, it is simply a waste of time, I am too smart for my own good.
12 comments
Being so smart will not help you in this life. People who are very smart live inside their heads way too much. Too much thinking about this, that and the other thing. Things should be this way or that way and on and on and on. I think the trick is to learn to use your brain. consider it a tool like a hammer is a tool to be used. Then when you don’t need the hammer you leave it in the tool box. When you don’t need your thinking leave it alone so you can enjoy life. hmm?? just my opinion.
So, you are basically saying, be a zombie. Let life run by you, there is no point anyway, so waste 70 years of nothing, to achieve nothing, so you will die when your body had enough, not when you are smart enough to realize there is nothing here.
It is depressing to read this #Randall#, it is what everyone else in the world tells me when I tell him I want to die, and it is so wierd, why be here for more time, when now I don’t see a point. If you go to a party and you have no friends there and the music is bad – do you stay in the party or leave?
Ram1698, I can identify. I have a lot of the same issues as you. I have a 152 IQ, and a photographic memory as well. That is the biggest burden for me. When most people recall things they remember snippets of things, but when I recall things its out of my control. I can remember every detail. The emotions, smells, sounds, things in the background. I basically relive the experience, and one memory triggers another, and another, and another so it seems like I basically live in the past, and to have that kind of recall does wear you down. The human mind is made to forget things, or at least blur them. For those of us who can recall everything exactly, its a tough thing and it wears you down. I feel like I’m pretty much in your shoes. I just want it to end because I don’t see a point in continuing existence like that for another untold many years. Good luck with whatever your decision is.
I relate OP. From an early age I just saw through everything. Nothing really seemed worthwhile. Now I have dumbed down considerably having suffered mental health issues and psych meds. Still no point, but I have been so depressed lately that when there’s a bit of hope – like at the moment, a work project – I grab onto it like a liferaft, because much as I have contemplated death by suicide lately, I have loved ones to consider, and I would on balance, rather live miserably but with some honour than quit and admit defeat.
Its amazing to say at least how too “smart” makes you want to kill yourself… Been surrounded by people who doesn’t think too much doesn’t actually compel you to kill yourself, or you value your own existence through coexistence with others. As much as i saw from your post, you have successful “human” life but you feel it is not a lot (which it isn’t tbh). But from a person with that high IQ i was amazed to see that much limited understanding of things, might consider measuring it again, might have dropped over years. You ever heard about occult, esoteric investigations, all the dark places of earth? Doubt it… Ofc at first you might become disappointed by all scammers and lies you would see openly but it doesn’t seem you’re limited in funds to go find yourself some truth there and trust me, when you see what is out there, when you grasp just a thought of horrible and strange there is, you’ll never want to kill yourself again, but you may die from knowing. You expected in limited surroundings governed by mediocrity and law to find meaning? Ridiculous… What you can do, find some nice soul, kindred spirit girl and go learn things together, you would be lucky if you had that. If you don’t leave society behind you will die, maybe not physically but mentally surely… Leave society, learn and see new things, go into dangerous adventures to discover truth and you may die physically but your spirit will live every minute till then… and as i see, you really still haven’t faced yourself completely… might wanna work on that too… Take care…
“Occult” – Item #3 in my original post “Third was finding the purpose of life, if there is a god” Been there done that… If it’s true I will have a word with the collective being to remove me from the equation.
Facing one self, I am a tuned to every fiber of my being, I have more control over myself than any person I know, last time I’ve entered it pulled me to the great depresion of 2012.
I would use my intelligence to help change the world. Even if it is one person at a time (including myself). There are plenty of intelligent people out there. They, like you, don’t want much to do with common folk and so they go somewhere to hide. It’s just a matter of knowing where to find them. By what I see on this site, for example, there are many intelligent people. Intelligent people seem to be quite lonely.
This world is doomed by its own past, I live in a country where this is strongest, were people wish to fight even after 100 years of continuous fightings, over a piece of dirt.
Any change that will be done in a singularity will not affect the purpose of the continuation.
‘Help’ changing a world is just a saying for people who don’t understand the dynamics of life and the collective living of the world, its past, present, and future. The world will change when the collective normas of groups have changed, and one cannot forecast whether the change will be good when he plans it, he can forsee only to a certain point, but how will it affect beyond his current-life?
To #Durmmy# There are ways to handle it, if this is your main problem, than good for you. When you see yourself in a past memory clinging to what was, try to push your mind to a closer memory something that is considerable a recent past and not a long past.
How to create more recent memories? be spontaneous, once you become more attached to the present you will be able to move from past tense to present tense.
The human mind is not made to forget things or blur them, it happens because of incapabilities of other individuals to remember things clearly.
To #seppuku# this is my biggest fear, to create a family, and it is the same as the book I read abut this situation, But it is good that you have created a dependency that you can live with it, with yourself.
I respect other people needs to live, I wish I had it, as time goes by I am more distant to what other people feel, need, want.
I finally found my exit, DIGNITAS, I will pay money, and someone will take care of me and my financials.
Just a few more years of cashing-in and I will finish it.
i hope you find peace