Who am I?
I am close to 30, I am employed, I am appreciated at work, I love my mother, I have a somewhat understandable relationship with my father, I have 8 brothers and sisters, I have some friends, I had girlfriends in the past, I have a future.
From the age of 15 I felt weary of life, having a photographic memory and an IQ of 155, I know I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I excel in everything I put my mind to, but at the end of the day the only thing I wish for is to put a bullet in my head. I achieve “happiness”, or content from excersizing my brain, from doing things that are difficult, but the problem is that things keep becoming easier to do, what is the point if something is not difficult, everything is simple, life is fucking simple, so why bother with all of this.
Additional problems arose from this weariness and being wiser than the above-average Joe:
I don’t care for money, it is the means to an end
I don’t care about materializm seems redundant to buy unuseful things
I don’t care for love/marriage (I read a book Leon & Louise, scared me to death, about a man that felt the same thing and through marriage forgot it)
I put boundaries on suicide all my life, to try to convince myself to stay here:
– First it was to wait and see how things will develop – they developed I am successful, yay…
– Second it was god and his mighty – why let me live and people who want to live die? it doesn’t make sense, I asked you several times to terminate my existence, but noting…
– Third was finding the purpose of life, if there is a god – a 10 pages document which explains the theory of circling existence and continuation, if this is real I am fucked for eternity…
– Fourth was not to put stress on my family – a will, some documents, and cremation outside the boundries of my country should minimize the risk
Today, today I simply wait until I will find the easiest way to relieve myself from life.
And it seems I have found the way to end it, I just need to gather strength to accomplish the mission, if I had a gun in hand it would have ended in mere seconds and there is a chance of survival! I want 0% failure rate!
I hope that a day soon will come and I will not be here anymore, it is simply a waste of time, I am too smart for my own good.