ducks in a row

i haven’t been posting much lately because it is always the same old shit. i take 6 medications to try to make me feel better. i was recently put in my place by my shrink who sees 24 nut jobs like me a day. 20 minute appts only. money wise it comes out to $800 an hour-nice scam . i finally got it through my thick skull that the less i say the easier the appts will be. just give me my scripts and send me on my way. i can write with impunity now knowing that no one has the time to read these woeful rants. easier this way-i won’t get chewed for not taking care of myself. not eating, smoking dope everyday, an occasional drunk. i know alcohol with all these meds is a no-no. but i am a light weight comparatively, only need a couple for a nice buzz. the shrink pointed out that alcohol and lorezepam can be a killer. respiratory depression it is called. consume enough the body forgets to breathe. wouldn’t that be tragic? my ending choices are plentiful. i have enough pills, including ones i no longer take to choke a horse. and i can always go out and buy a gun. not too difficult here. though i won’t be telling anyone about that! like i have read elsewhere here i am just fucking tired. trying to keep my emotions under wraps is hard. not cool to be crying at work or at other public places. so i try to just keep quiet and not let anyone in. embarrassing i know. driving getting reckless. even crossing the street i am mentally daring that driver to hit me. another day in the life. don’t know when the day will come but it seems inevitable. just got to get my ducks in a row.