Last year I had an abortion… It was unplaned and my dad had told me before that he’ll kill himself if I let him down… He was on his knees crying like a baby when he said that, and that was the image I kept in my mind trough the procedure. My bf ay the time didn’t push me to do it… But neither showed me another option. So I did it and tried to live normally after that. I justo couldn’t. I finished the relationship because looking at his face remind me every time what have I done. And I found someone who gain my trust, so I tell him about what have I done. He said he wont judge me and claim that he was in love with me. Everything was ok… But at times he remembered that I’m not perfect… That he walked away from the perfect girl that treat him like a king for 8 years and gave up all of that for me… That apparently I worth it… But there was something in his head… I didn’t quite fit in the plan he had since always… It wasn’t my fault… He said… But still he acted cold for some days… He came back eventually and everything was fine. Till I start making mistakes… “You don’t know me! You won’t have any of this problems of You knew me! But You allways wanna make a fool of me! You don’t love me! You gave everything yo your stupid ex’s and now there’s nothing left form me!” and he kept going making me feel like less than nothing and remind me everytime ALL he gave up to form me and what a stupid mistake that was… And the few times I’ve tried to tell him how I feel I turn out like an evil person who can’t think of how much is HE suffering… Of how much pain is HE in… How everything is caused by me so I should find a way to fix it instead of feeling sad or crying about it like a stupid… I’m so scared… Everything I say turns out The wrong way, I try my best to show him that I love him but it’s never enough… He keeps saying that he loves me and he wanna give me the world… But I cry everyday… Every day I feel worthless and stupid… Every day I feel like I’m not enough… And it hurts so bad… I don’t wanna feel hurt anymore…
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8 comments
maybe..you should leave him if you can. Find someone else. If he is hurting you this much….and he refuses to change, maybe you should try to find love elsewhere?
But I love him so much… And when we are not fighting se are the happiest… And I have no one else… My family is a mess and I don’t have any friends…
Honey, I had a baby at 16 and chose to keep him and raise him. That was my choice that was right for me. I’m not here to tell you that you are any less of a person for the choice you went with. I think it’s a shame that your family didn’t support you in what you wanted but instead only what they wanted. And about this boyfriend…YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. I married a man, not my child’s father and for 15 years he tore me down and made me feel beneath him because I got pregnant in high school so that made me a loser. Three years ago we divorced and its been great watching karma kick his ass for all the emotional abuse he caused me. The whole time we were together it just got more miserable year after year. I suffer from battered woman’s syndrome now and very bad self esteem issues. Kick his ass to the curb if he makes you feel this way…please trust me, you don’t want to live like that.
But I’m so scared!!! Due all my “mistakes” he had tried to end it before but I get an horrible panic attack that I can’t control and he stays… I just don’t know how to live without him :'(
Manipulators know how to work that. If you really want to work it out try going to a counselor thru a church, they are usually free. See if he’s willing to put forth the effort.
be strong! be a fighter! try to find some positive groups to be around. it could make all the difference in your life.
He is breaking you down…he is emotionally abusive and also a serious dick…you will need to either cut it off and dump him(that would be a good high note to leave him on) or resign yourself to his brand of toxic partnership..he will only get worse,and I think I can say that with confidence.Hes a textbook abuser…Fuck him…you may love him,but he will continue to sicken you…..he should never say all the grand fucking things he had to sacrifice to be with you-its complete bullshit and its pure manipulation ,and its verbal laceration-he enjoys making u bleed. Your father has also put something on you that is fucked up,because it places his very existence into YOUR responsibility,and thats absolutely fucked up for a parent to do to a kid…its too much pressure .its emotional blackmail…you can’t be responsible for everyones happiness,Bea. You had the procedure ,because th bf offered you no help,and then your dads trip kinda sealed the deal-and I know it has caused you emotional distress.Many women have the same consequence . I suggest counseling,because it can become extremely depressing-despite th fact that you felt you had no option at the time…
your boyfriend sounds very manipulative. And i know its hard to leave him…