in december I wont be here

I will kill myself in december when I wont get admission in my favourite college to pursue my passion. I have some months in hand. I will ..be so sad then I might fall back again into depression. I mean right now things are okay so u see im alive still after two attempts. But then people will have a reason to see why I died. If I died now people will call me a fool. Im useless I wont pass the examination so there comes no question of admission. Waiting for that precious day.. when I will rent a hotel and there I will put a plastic bag over my head swallow pills and die peacefully. Jumping feels right but I dont have access to high buildings.. then there comes drowning.. I have researched n found that it hurts when the water gets inside your body I dont wanna die like that. Cyanide ? No access. Rope ? Dont know to tie a noose I can learn but my parents dont leave me alone as my doctor has told them not to. Gun – yeah its cool but what if I dont die? And hit the wrong part. I want it to be complete and peaceful. I have been wanting death since I was a kid. Its like my best friend. Dying is not hard. Its easy..but it feels hard. Because im afraid maybe.. the guy I loved more than my life called me crazy n turned his back on me.. maybe it was all my fault.. maybe iam a real freak.. im not like other girls… do people say that out of hate? Or love? I know I may be different and things hurt me more than it hurts normal people. I never cut it hurts me, I have dated multiple people at a time, I have let people use me emotionally and I sat there watching where it all goes.. It was my first manic phase I ruined everything. Oh god where im going? I shouldnt talk about what happened five six years ago.. the present is good but im darker as usual with a morbid mood and yeah so december? Definitely !