Since October 2012 I have been living in a nightmare. I was engaged, with 2 children living in a nice house with a good job. Then I made a mistake and I lost it all. I lost the job and then family within the space of 7 days.
I had regular access to my kids until Christmas 2012 when after an argument my ex decided I shouldn’t see my kids. I missed my daughters 1st Christmas, so on the 31st I decided to kill myself. I drove to the cemetery near where I grew up and I took 90 Amitriptyline hydrochloride with a bottle of vodka. I waited 5 minutes and I called for an ambulance, i was staring at a picture of my children and I was scared of what they would think of me. The ambulance arrived and I passed out on the way to the hospital.
I was in a dream world, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was watching my children through a window and they couldn’t see me.
I woke up on the 2nd of January at 11am, with a tube down my throat and people staring down at me. My dad was there, who I have never got on well with, his wife who has always hated me, my brother Darren looking the worst. The tube came out and I tried to close my eyes to see my children through the window again but they kept waking me up. They asked if I knew what the date was I didn’t, my told me it was the 2nd and I could see the anger in his eyes. My family have always lacked compassion towards people, you were to work not to care in their eyes. I wish my mum was there she would have done what I needed her to do. Give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, instead I got hostility, It was 6 hours before I saw a face that wasn’t just mad at me for being upset. I got a message from the nurse that there was a phone call for me and it was my ex, it was a difficult conversation, she asked how I was told me what happened after I passed out with her finding out with a voice message and then an abusive message from my dads then girlfriend.
At the time I was staying at my grandparents house, after what happened it was decided that I should move into my fathers house, which I knew was not going to be a good idea. I pleaded with everyone that I knew that he would not help me, and that i would be worse off. The day after I was dragged around the town my father lived in looking for furniture, running around at that pace was a strain on my heart and I felt incredibly faint having to lift furniture. I got to see my kids again shortly after this and it was the best feeling I had in a long time. I moved out of my dads house and began sleeping in my car and occasionally at my exs house.
I got a temp job which was a good star and it was going well until around june, just before my birthday when I had another disagreement with my ex. She cut me off from my kids again and I slipped down again, I stopped going to work, I was living in an awful house in a terrible location. I eventual lost the temp job in October and I had only got to see them on FaceTime.
Ill skip to do today. I have a job in a better place and I have a house in an area I know but I haven’t see my kids in over a year now I have missed all the major milestones and I haven’t spoke to them since January.
I don’t have any friends, I don’t get invited to do things other than the cinema, I am grossly overweight since I have zero motivation to lose it. I am angry all the time. I am scared to go to a lawyer and be told that I legally cannot see them anymore.
I am stuck, I have nothing worth living for, I only want them, when I reach out to my ex I get abuse and told that they do not want me. Even now I am writing this instead of working. I am truly better off dead, I am a waste of space just another mistake.
Nobody cares if I live or not and that is the truth.
Sorry for making you read all that but I had to tell it to someone. If I can get the courage to kill myself I will before I snap and hurt other people.