I don’t really know why I am posting here or why it is that I am sharing this with strangers.
I think all the things happening in my life right now that have driven me over the edge are irrelevant.
The anxiety and pain are almost gone and I feel completely numb.
I thought about Suicide before, many times. And every time I got very close.
Right now I am as close to finalizing it as never before, being alone in a hotel room, away from my loved ones, with 7 bottles of prescription pills lined up in the side table.
And the silly thing is, all I can think about is ways to make this painless. I just want it to be painless. For me it will.
Not for everyone else.
I feel exhausted, and this is the wrong time for me to be alone.
But I am, and I seem to be ready.
I welcome your thoughts. I have nothing else to do right now but wait to have the balls to do this.
3 comments
Hi CMZ..I see youre waiting for something-perhaps its not for courage..perhaps its for something completely different. Since you can always return to this scene and end your life, why not walk out of the room and walk around somewhere nearby..keep your eyes open and try to see-whatever it may be,you have to be willing to see it,or you won’t. IT might be a sign leading you the way you need to go ,or imparting something very significant to you….or a person..you must be willing to see and to speak if need be….Youre at the end,about to step through the door,and you feel a pull of something making you hesitate-explore that thoroughly…There could be something you are meant to do first…If you’re going to end it though,I wish you a painless passage..I wish you peace
Thank you, thank you for taking the time to give me a response.
I do not know what I am waiting for. I have people I can reach out to. I know I have people that love me. But my reality has become so overwhelming, so…just so much for me to handle.
I am bipolar, so for definition anything that happens I feel with incredible intensity. Maybe that has to do with it. So I gave myself two hours. I set up my alarm, and plan to relax and lay in bed before I actually consider to use all those bottles of pills. I might even call the person I know that loves me the most.
Unfortunately I am not sure that he will be able to help me.
And what is more unfortunately is that I have a very young son. But I feel deeply in my heart that in the long run he will be better off without me.
Life is funny, life is painful.
Right now, I feel beyond hopeless. Hope doesn’t even seem to matter anymore. I just would like to stop feeling this pain.
And I honestly dont know who else will understand this feelings anymore.
I am not alone.
But I am.
Life is funny. And cruel.
You may have mercury poisoning, it made me bipolar, among other things…
Please see my post “just found you”