I’m 27 and male, never had a girlfriend, don’t have any friends, don’t have a purpose and everything that I seem to give up on everything I start at the first sign of hardship. When I pick out something to do, I always think i could be doing something better. I have problems deciding. I constantly feel unloved and don’t know how to heal that without the help of others. I feel that this is partially the fault of reversed gender roles with mom being the silent more rigid one and dad being the very caring person and sometimes overaccomodating. When it looks like I will be successful at something, I always think of how much life I wasted and how this won’t work.
I also find it incredibly difficult with girls, and since I hadn’t even had a GF or had sex and i was 27, I went and saw an escort. Ive seen at least 20 escorts now and spent over $5000 on escorts (Practically all my savings) and I’m beginning to go into debt with this habit too. I would like to tell my parents about it, but they are constantly proud of how much I managed to save – and that they are Christian people (no sex before marriage). Telling them that I spent $5k on multiple escorts might give them a heart attack. If I tell them this, they will probably forgive me and say they love me, but they will never see me in the same light again. I constantly have to lie about how much I have in the bank to my parents and whoever asks and this I hate. I am afraid that if I get a girl to love that she will take advantage of me and cheat on me because I am a insecure man. I know that having a girl will not solve my problems (she has problems of her own), but my sexual cravings are hard and I don’t want to masturbate.
I think my biggest problem is that I have a constant hole in my heart of my problems since high school that I choose to instead play video games and watch heaps of porn instead of doing the things normal people do. I didn’t experiment, I didn’t go out with friends to random places in general (I had low-self esteem). Whenever I see teens having fun I always see what I missed and filled with regrets. Currently I am immature emotionally, because I think I am trying to do some stuff now that I didn’t do in my teenage years – I want to move on, but whenever I see teenagers having fun or doing stuff together, I envy them and it makes me think of how I should have done that stuff when I was younger. That pain hurts me the most daily. I also have severe social anxiety. I don’t want to be a negative person or appear that I’m having trouble because I will just be a burden on the social situation I am in. The constant emotional pain makes it hard to remain positive and someone people like to be around.
It always seems to be too late to do anything, and all the advice I read on the internet tells you the older you are the slower you learn. I’d like to find an older person who had a simiar situation like mine and to see how he/she got out of it and is successful in life.
Thought of suicide several times throughout life – now on a holiday and since my only socialization was at work, it just makes me realize how boring and alone I am (which is partially the purpose of my holiday, to discover who I really was). I think when I am out of my parents house, I think I will have trouble not thinking suicide is a logical option (because I know then I will be coming home to no one, and no one would know instantly that I killed myself, unlike now, if I did it then my parents would get upset instantly).