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Sucide becoming more logical every day.

by timmah01

I’m 27 and  male, never had a girlfriend, don’t have any friends, don’t have a purpose and everything that I seem to give up on everything I start at the first sign of hardship. When I pick out something to do, I always think i could be doing something better. I have problems deciding. I constantly feel unloved and don’t know how to heal that without the help of others. I feel that this is partially the fault of  reversed gender roles with mom being the silent more rigid one and dad being the very caring person and sometimes overaccomodating. When it looks like I will be successful at something, I always think of how much life I wasted and how this won’t work.

I also find it incredibly difficult with girls, and since I hadn’t even had a GF or had sex and i was 27, I went and saw an escort. Ive seen at least 20 escorts now and spent over $5000 on escorts (Practically all my savings) and I’m beginning to go into debt with this habit too.  I would like to tell my parents about it, but they are constantly proud of how much I managed to save – and that they are Christian people (no sex before marriage).   Telling them that I spent $5k on multiple escorts might give them a heart attack. If I tell them this, they will probably forgive me and say they love me, but they will never see me in the same light again.  I constantly have to lie about how much I have in the bank to my parents and whoever asks and this I hate. I am afraid that if I get a girl to love that she will take advantage of me and cheat on me because I am a insecure man. I know that having a girl will not solve my problems (she has problems of her own),  but my sexual cravings are hard and I don’t want to masturbate.

I think my biggest problem is that I have a constant hole in my heart of my problems since high school that I choose to instead play video games and watch heaps of porn instead of doing the things normal people do. I didn’t experiment, I didn’t go out with friends to random places in general (I had low-self esteem). Whenever I see teens having fun I always see what I missed and filled with regrets. Currently I am immature emotionally, because I think I am trying to do some stuff now that I didn’t do in my teenage years – I want to move on, but whenever I see teenagers having fun or doing stuff together, I envy them and it makes me think of how I should have done that stuff when I was younger. That pain hurts me the most daily.  I also have severe social anxiety. I don’t want to be a negative person or appear that I’m having trouble because I will just be a burden on the social situation I am in. The constant emotional pain makes it hard to remain positive and someone people like to be around.

It always seems to be too late to do anything, and all the advice I read on the internet tells you the older you are the slower you learn. I’d like to find an older person who had a simiar situation like mine and to see how he/she got out of it and is successful in life.

Thought of suicide several times throughout life – now on a holiday and since my only socialization was at work, it just makes me realize how boring and alone I am (which is partially the purpose of my holiday, to discover who I really was). I think when I am out of my parents house, I think I will have trouble not thinking suicide is a logical option (because I know then I will be coming home to no one, and no one would know instantly that I killed myself, unlike now, if I did it then my parents would get upset instantly).


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Uptown234 8/9/2014 - 10:19 am

Its never too late to change things. You can chage how you act, you can change what you do with your time. You can chage what you believe. You can change the groups of people you hang around you can change where you live, change you job and so on. So Id like to challenge you to start thinking of things you can change to find hapiness. If you missed out on some fun things earlier in life then go do some of them. its not to late. If you hve social anxiety then try to slowly break out of it. Try hanging out at a coffee shop and strike up a conversation with somebdy. You could make new friends and build up confidence. I have had many of the problems you do and I am recovering from them and moving on you can do the same. You could also pick up some self help books and read and ge some insight. that can give you a new outlook on life
good luck.

iamzero 8/9/2014 - 7:57 pm

Uptown, have you made similar suggestions to others on this board? I’m just curious–thanks.

alina_01 8/9/2014 - 1:01 pm

@timmah01: Sucks, all of it. I guess the way I’ve been seeing things lately is change whatever is making you unhappy, if you can’t change it then remove it from your life. It sounds like your using sex to satisfy the void or emptiness that you feel. But honestly the sex isn’t filling that emptiness its only adding to the pain that you are feeling. I guess I’m going through something similar in one way or another. I’ve only been in one relationship, I love him but he doesn’t love me. Sex has always been important to me and I never understood why until now. Sex makes me feel like that emptiness is gone, so when my relationship ended I still kept in touch with my ex and we still hook up because I feel like I wouldn’t know what to do without him without being able to have sex. Sex makes me feel wanted it makes me feel less sad for a little while. But once the high of sex wears off I start to realize how much I’m hurting myself. Sorry this might not even be how you feel but I hope that you can love yourself that you can make yourself happy and stop feeling regret whats done is done you can’t change your past but you have a future you can change into what you want.

iamzero 8/9/2014 - 7:12 pm

Tim, are you willing to talk about some of the things you shared here via email? I’m in a similar position and think it could be helpful to both of us to share with someone who won’t judge or give empty advice. I believe my email address is under my profile here, but if not, let me know & I’ll entrust you with it. I have a lot of questions and some comments.

Thanks, either way.

timmah01 8/17/2014 - 11:21 am

Hi iamzero, I don’t seem to be able to find a place where I can contact you privately (also cant find your email). Do you know of a way to do this?

Kochia 8/17/2014 - 12:33 pm

I believe iamzero is no longer with us, Timmy.

May he rest in peace.

misanthrope 8/17/2014 - 12:50 pm

Hi,Tim I just read your post. I think its normal to want to party at your age,and its alright to feel a sense of regret for the uneventful teen years of loneliness . Many people have felt alienated as teens,and struggled to reconcile it later. Its ok to feel cheated.Disconnected. Its ok to seek life..relationships..action. A girlfriend may not fix everything thats damaged,but she can make your life very different than its ever been so far.Its ok to want sex and companionship and fun . Youre scared of being used by her-so what:) Everyone has fears of being the fool,and mistreated-its the chance every one of us takes if we want a partner. It may happen,and your feelings get stomped on.Like everyone else who gets hurt in a relationship,you learn something,and move on. I was thinking,why not set up a profile on a dating site-there’s free ones. So many people on this site are lonely and want a partner. I had just messaged another person this same thing:My sister dates from POF every week,unless shes involved with someone she met. Its a situation where you can message until you feel like meeting,SO you arent just thrown in unprepared and a nervous wreck. The escorts are no financially feasible anyway,but also- Its too easy,and it doesn’t prepare you one bit for actual encounters of a meaningful nature,and it will give you a warped view of normal connection with women. When you have a transaction thats without any expectation except the sex, and its uncomplicated by the need to talk openly,and to be vulnerable,and possibly be invested in her interests -well you might find the real thing(dating)to be unpleasant and taxing.You might find it downright scary compared to the ease of banging hookers..lol. Now-having said that,ill say this also:if it makes you happy ,keep doing it. I see thats not th case though. You can date-youre perfectly date-able. Nervous is ok. You will get better and better at it the more you do it. I see you are very stressed about your parents expectations and their interest in your savings. If it were me,I would stop discussing it with them. These other nosy bastards who insist on asking about your money-seriously,it is extremely presumptuous of these other inquirers.Its very poor manners,and you have every right to either disregard th question by ignoring it and changing th subject ,or directly addressing the offender and asking that they not pry into your net worth,because its none of their business and you find it embarassing and offensive.You simply arent comfortable with it,and you ask that they stop asking. This is a perfectly polite,normal,inoffensive way to shut their shit down:) your parents,though-you could either keep lying,make up a new lie(you gave it all to a Christian charity that you have long felt a connection to,and finally god put it on your heart to give the $.You know that god will enable you to replace it and will bless you all the more .Just look around online..) or tell them you blew it on a trip. When you move out,they will not be keeping tabs on you as they do now.Its perfectly fine to choose to go on a trip with your savings-look around online and plot out th story and costs and even pictures. Youre a grown ass man and you can buy escorts if you want,and you can establish a boundary with your parents. You dont have to tell them you like banging escorts! Masturbation,however,is perfectly acceptable and free,and is not nearly as risky as prostitutes.Its not shameful to masturbate,its natural and perfectly acceptable. Sorry to ramble on,so much.I was just struck by how most of the issues you struggle with do have solutions,or at least a pathway to possible solutions. You are a good person-being insecure is painful,I know-but theres absolutely NO reason you cant grow and find a strengthened and happier sense of yourself.Youre worthy.You are not stuck being that alienated teen,but you must dare to try.Lay off the hookers:) At least for a little while:) 😉 🙂 I hope you feel better and stronger soon ,T.

timmah01 8/17/2014 - 8:55 pm

how do you know that?

copelessness 8/17/2014 - 9:17 pm

There’s no certainty as he could just be hospitalized, but there have been speculative posts from people who knew him better than I that he did in fact kill himself earlier this week based on his last few actions and comments.

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