Tired of being Alone

From the beginning, there was always something that didn’t feel right. That I was missing some kind of feeling everyone around me always seemed to have. My biological father had fucking issues, and I never got to know how it felt to have a father. Sure, it sounds like it isn’t something big, but it’s what followed that only made the situation worse. Thankfully my mom and grandparents were saints, but then she met someone else after the divorce. He acted all nice and caring and ‘father like’ in the beginning to get to my mom’s heart, then they got married and he made my life living hell. From insults to always bringing me down, it never stopped. And already by the age of 8 I’d cry myself to sleep wondering what I could’ve possibly done wrong? So from this, my self confidence and trust only lowered. I made friends, but would only lose them. I’ve lost countless people and it hurts so fucking much. I’m 17 now and I’m still looking for the same thing: somebody that loves me and trusts me as much as I do to them. Unfortunately, it was always the same cycle. I’d make really super close friends only to be backstabbed or to lose them for the dumbest reasons. I’ve created this kind of wall that on the outside is so warm, happy and inviting to people, but on the inside I can’t get close to them due to trust issues and refuse to ever love anyone ever again. Then the worst possible thing happened. I met the love of my life. Sure, it sounds stupid but he was literally the most incredible person I had ever met. He was perfect in every way possible and I loved him more and more each day for the rest of our 3 year relationship. He had covered that hole in my heart and sure, things were bad at times but I loved him so fucking much. There was also that one best friend I had found a way to keep since elementary school, but I never spoke to her about this pain I had been keeping for so long-I had only told my boyfriend. He knew me inside out and he always made me the happiest person alive. That one childhood best friend had always been there to kind of forget life’s pain and hardships by going out and drinking and things like that, but she never knew about anything deep down. I loved her too, she was like a sister to me and was always there for me (but I’ll tell you what happened in a bit). There was a point where my life was really amazing, I was so happy and it felt like I was truly happy from the bottom of my heart. Then this summer came. I had to leave to go back to my home country for a month long vacation to meet family I had never met before. Sure I was excited but I was going to miss my important friends so much.. But I went anyway. It was fun and I learnt a lot of things. Unfortunately, I got news during my trip that my boyfriend had hooked up with my best friend two weeks in. I was completely devastated. I had been struck in the heart once again, and this time it was really bad. I lost all trust and cried for days on end. And worst of all, I took revenge. I cheated on him with 4 other guys. I couldn’t take the pain and I was going crazy, but, me being the stupid ***** that I am, I forgave both of them and made them promise they would never chill together without me being there. I just wanted my happiness back and more importantly, my happy life back. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before I left. But it wasn’t. If anything, the worst case happened. He dumped me abruptly saying things like I want to live my life, I don’t want responsibility, and so on. It utterly killed me. I understood him but I didn’t want it to end that way. I hadn’t seen him for a month and he was leaving me like that? It was the absolute worst. So even to this day I still insist on seeing him and the only way to do so is to offer him sex since he still can’t get enough of me…it’s the only way I can still be with him…I’ve met so many guys, so many different people, and gone through SO MANY life experiences, and I’ve never, in my 17 years of existence, connected with anyone like I did with him. But like the continuous cycle I’m going through, he too left. I feel like I’m fed up of people. I can’t trust or love anyone anymore in fear of them leaving. In fear of being alone. Then, my best friend. I saw her when I came back, and she cried saying how she was sorry. I forgave her and said things were fine but trust me, it was HARD to do. And well, little did I know she could be so selfish. At a concert last weekend, she invited me to go, and I didn’t know we were going to spend it with her friends as she had kept telling me before she didn’t want to. She pretty much ignored me the whole time and it hurt like a *****. I decided to leave and instead of asking me what was wrong, she only got mad at me. So we fought, and she hasn’t spoke to me since. After 12 years of friendship and all our experiences, she couldn’t even ask what was wrong. Why didn’t I tell her first? Because it was always me. Especially after I had forgave her for something so big she had done. And well here I am typing something like this for the first time ever. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried killing myself three times, only to be saved every time. Twice were my mom and once my boyfriend. He insults me still and has become a real douchebag recently. It really hurts to have seen him change like that. But honestly, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to face humans anymore. I can’t trust them. I just want to die, but I’m always stopped. Also, I really suck at typing shit out. So much has happened that I can’t even begin to describe the pain I’m dealing with right now. I don’t know how to move on anymore and I honestly want to die. If anyone is still reading, any suggestions..?