As many of us do, I want to commit suicide. Always have since I was about ten years old. I’m 21 now. I have a plan. I have the materials I require. I have my two, short notes written out and sealed in envelopes. But there’s a problem. See, I work at a hospital every other week. And the week that I don’t work there I do home health care with a family that I’m very close to. I know I can’t commit suicide on a whim because I can’t just not show up for work the next day. I’d have to actually plan a date, take off of work and give it a go. But there’s another problem. I’m in college. See, I’m planning on overdosing. But I tried this before and it failed and I ended up sleeping for like five days and completely out of commission. This time I have a way to make it work (hopefully), but that’s not important. What is important is if it should fail again, which it very well could, then I’d be out of commission for a couple of days. I can’t do that because then I’ll miss class and if I survive and have to stay here, it’s important I keep my grades up. So then I was thinking Thanksgiving Break. But then there is the last problem. If I do it, and someone finds me before I am dead, I’ll go back to a psych unit. I have been in one twice and I happen to work in a psych unit. They are awful places and I don’t want to go there. And I can’t go there. I have school and work. So you see…I seem to be in a bit of a pickle on what to do. 🙁
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Honestly, it sounds like you aren’t fully committed to dying or that you still have hope that something will change for you. I was the same way. What if I survive my attempt, I screw up my job and school. I wanted to die but still had this hope that I have a future. If you can still plan for your future, it doesn’t sound like you are ready to die (in my humble opinion). I used to sound the exact same way. If you still have hope, I am envious. The psych hospital I usually go to (I’ve been in patient 8-9 times) is very nice. A beautiful courtyard, lots of grass, basketball court, very nice. I am dying on Monday. I’ve let go of my future. Part of me wants to go to the hospital because it usually clears my mind but it is so much work fixing everything after I am discharged.
I have to agree with what Still Lost has said, it does sound like you’re still thing about a future, is it just a need to go or are there events which have a bearing on you wanting to die? If you want, tell us what’s going on in your life and how you’re feeling inside that makes you decide on such an ultimate step as this. I must say I’m never in favour of overdoses as the outcome is so unpredictable as you know, please wait and talk for now, do you have a therapist etc. or talk here.
@Still Lost, you’re still planning Monday, if the hospital clears you mind and is ok for you then why not go and decide after, please talk, talking is important, I know you feel things have got away from you and you feel empty but I care and want you to try everything first.
Nias, yep, still planning on Monday. The hard part about setting a date is that I feel peaceful. My suffering is going to end. Eternity will begin. I will be with my cat who passed away nearly 3 years ago. So… I start to feel better. It is a vicious cycle. I am working on the preparations (setting up the cat nanny, writing just a few letters, clean up so I’m not remembered as a total slob, etc.). Since I am Catholic, I am also going to Confession/Reconciliation and am searching for a Priest to perform an Anointing of the Sick. After all, my illness is terminal. I hope I die on Monday. I will certainly try. But if I fail, I will at least have done the things I needed to do for next time. I figure that I really need an impulsive moment – total emotional dysregulation – to die. It’s hard to pick a date because then I feel better knowing the pain will end. It sucks. But, I need to do these preparation because at some point, I will succumb to that impulse.
Still Lost, I do the same, when stressed I say to myself not to worry it’ll soon be all over but I never really set a date, it’s always a couple of months or else before a birthday or christmas, I don’t know if it’s just a coping method I’m using at present. Are you confident your method will work, there’s been a lot of people here recently looking at overdoses which worries me as you need to get it just right to succeed and failure can be difficult. I know how desirable death can seem; either nothing or something much better but I always hope you, or anyone who’s considering, have exhausted all possibilities.
From just one who cares you’re making the right decision, if talking helps then please keep going.
I tried overdosing with alcohol about 10 years ago. I just woke up in my own vomit to police knocking at the door. I was just planning on taking a drive during the night and slamming into a tree or cement wall. I have a safe car so I may survive but I hope not because I don’t want to live with more pain.
I’m sorry but I have to say that the survival rates are high for modern cars with crumple zones and airbags and I’m not saying anything else because I don’t won’t you to do this. I had considered partial suspension hanging and still do, I’m only metioning it as it’s far better than crashing the car into a wall. Please talk to me, why this method?
I bought ropes to hang myself. Found a spot to park on train tracks. I realized that the only way I can kill myself is in an incredibly impulsive moment. And if I can’t get a gun, I don’t have many choices. I don’t want to jump from a bridge (I live in San Francisco so the Golden Gate is nearby). Just figured driving into something would be most convenient. I want to die outside of my house because I don’t want my cats to be stuck with my rotting, stinking body. Cats are perceptive. I don’t want them to watch me die. So…
I wouldn’t park on railway tracks, happened in the UK and the train crashed killing 6 on the train as well. Does it have to be an impulse with you, for me it’ll be an irreversible decision but not necessarily instantaneous, I’m just concerned with the pain and success.
I was going to park in front of freight train not people train. They are bigger but go slower. But it does have a driver. I used to find flaws in all of my suicide plans. That’s why I just need to prepare everything and one day I will lose it and slam into a wall.
It was a high speed train(hst) and the train driver was one of those who died. Slamming into a wall at high speed is possible but death is not assured and unlike an overdose where you can be ok, any failure here and you will be injured and probably badly, so I have to say an overdose is preferable and I personally hate the idea of overdoses. How much do you still consider hanging and would you consider postponing for a little while?
I may bring some vodka and a collection of pills I’ve accumulated just in case. I need to focus on my plan so I can be prepared to go. I’m happy thinking about it ending so if I try to rethink things then I will get sad again. I’m so done being sad.
I have to say again, you’d do the same if things were reversed, please don’t try the crash scenario as the outcome can be unimaginable, the airbag will save your life but you’ll suffer terrible leg injuries. There are other ways, I’d prefer you stay and talk but if you are intent, there are other ways. I’m prepare to listen though.
It’s not that I’m holding onto the future. It’s just that I’ve tried so many countless times to kill myself and nothing has ever worked. So in the event that I do survive again, I have to make sure I didn’t screw everything up in my life or I’ll be even more miserable than before. I don’t have a whole lot of hope. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist just works on DBT with me but I don’t even like to go, I just go because someone took it upon themselves to get me set up with her and I don’t want to disappoint them. As for my psychiatrist, she’s not being all that helpful. She won’t increase my anxiety medication so I’m stuck at a low dose. I’m on the highest dosage of my three medications for my major depressive disorder and they don’t work at all. I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody can help me.
I have said the exact same things. I did DBT classes and therapy for an entire year (where I live they want you to go thru the modules twice). For me, when I crossed that line of wanting to die not just wanting to end my suffering, I stopped telling myself those things. I’ve done every treatment out there including ECT twice. I wish you the best… If you do choose to die, may you have a peaceful journey
You seem to have tried to sort things out but so far to no avail, do you just feel tired of life and feel there’s nothing for you anymore? It’s sad to read that at 21 with, if you don’t mind me saying, college and work( I don’t know if you consider them a good or a bad thing), and prospects but again I don’t know that much about you. I’m 46 so double your age and it seems easier for me as I’ve lived a lot longer than you; so many young people here makes me sad. 🙁
I’ve been tired of life for quite some time. School makes me miserable but I know I need it if I am to survive any further attempts. I don’t really have a support system except for my boyfriend but that is having its own struggles at the moment. Maybe if I had medication that was helping, I could stick through it. But like I said, I’m on the highest dosages of my medications and they simply don’t work. I don’t know what else to do.
There must be something, I really don’t get the impression you want to check out at this point but are struggling to find some reason to go on, it’s just you’re 21, there could be so much more. Why does school make you miserable and what else does?
My boyfriend is pushing for ECT. I work on a psych unit so I’ve seen it work miracles, but I’ve also seen it do nothing. I feel like my psychiatrist wouldn’t authorize it since she won’t even increase my anxiety medication. And I’d probably have to go inpatient to get that done and being admitted into one of those places has been my biggest fear since I was first admitted at 14.
Try it if you have seen positive results, get another psychiatrist if you have to, in fact get a new one anyway, the one you have isn’t any good for you and another can and probably will be better, you’ve lost trust in her anyway.
I live in San Francisco. I did ECT about 10 years ago and it really worked. I did it again two years ago and my doctor said I got better in a way that was inconsistent with how she sees people get better. I had very different mental health issues the second time so maybe that was why it didn’t wirk . It killed my memory the second time through. At the hospital I was treated, my doctor let me do ECT outpatient once she was comfortable that I was safe. The only catch is that I had to have someone drive me to treatments, stay with me for 24 hours after treatment… I live aline with no family nearby so that part was tough. Try going to a different MD. My MD just happened to be trained in ECT. There was a guy that I was in patient with who wanted to try ECT but Hus MD said he wasn’t a good candidate…. So he asked to speak to my MD who thought ECT could help him. He credits ECT with changing his life.
I’ve been through three MDs in the last year and a half. The one I have now has done the most. There are no more MDs within 40 minutes of where I live. It seems there isn’t enough MDs to go around. I live in Wisconsin so we’re not quite as big as California and probably don’t have as many places to go to.
I have been thru tons of MDs too. It took more than 10 years to find one that I really connected with…. She abandoned me (long story) so I totally feel all alone in this fight. Having an MD you can trust and with whom you connect makes a huge difference, in my exoerience.
You are probably right that I have lots more MD choices out here. I found my doctors by calling Stanford’s behavioral sciences clinic. And that eventually led me to my MD… And Stanford does does ECT so many MDs are trained for it during their residencies. The hospital I had ECT will meet and evaluate people for ECT so it wouldn’t matter if your MD didn’t approve.
Also, my MD did meds management and therapy. I liked having a doctor who did both. I think it makes meds management more effective too
That would be nice to have one who could do both. And one who would actually prescribe what I need. Though I don’t know if there’s more she can do to begin with.
That was the first MD I had who did both AND the first time I was on a meds combination that actually worked…. But I stopped all meds except for a small dose of my antipsychotic because the withdrawals were physically debilitating.
Oh my, ECT sounds dreadful. Sorry to say…
@ justlauren I’m guessing that you’ve tried other medications? I was on Zoloft for 2 years and it did help to some extent. I was still depressed, but I felt kind of numbed out and didn’t feel quite as suicidal. I eventually got off of it for a couple of reasons, but mainly because it became less effective. Also, I had put on a bit of weight which was okay, but I didn’t want to continue to gain weight over the years, even at a slow pace since the medication was becoming less effective by the day. I had to try so many different medications, each for approximately 6 weeks (or maybe even more) to find one that helped me at all. So… maybe you can do what I did and continue to try out other medications and see if any help you. It does take patience tho, since it takes so many weeks to determine if a medication will be effective or not.
@ Still Lost I’m sad to read your posts. I can relate to what you’re saying so much tho. When I decide that I’ve had it and I’m going to end it all, I feel so much better just knowing that very soon I’ll be gone. When I think of my family and the lifetime of agony that I’ll be causing them and decide to wait a little longer and live a tortured, miserable and indescribably painful existence instead, then I sink right back into that horrible, hopeless depression. It sounds as tho you have also exhausted all the treatments out there. Do any of the medications/treatments help you at all? Crashing your car into a wall or wtv sounds like a recipe for a life in a wheelchair. I feel like there’s a big chance of so many things going wrong there. What if you end up paralized and have to endure life that way? It just doesn’t sound like a good idea, in my humble opinion. 🙁
Yes, cagedtiger, I’ve tried many medications over the years. Zoloft didn’t help at all. I’m on a form a Welbutrin now and have been on it for many years. I’m also on Abiify and Buspar and the combination just isn’t working.
I agree with your comment to StillLost. It would be dreadful to be paralized for your life, dear. 🙁 You seem so nice and I’d hate for you to be in even more misery than you already suffer through. But it’s your choice and I hope everything works out for you.
JustLauren maybe it’s time to switch up your medications again. I tried zoloft again a few months ago and it didn’t help me at all this time. I guess our bodies change and/or the chemical imbalances in our brains also change, so maybe it’s worth trying out different combinations or even revisiting the same meds that we’ve tried in the past. Welbutrin didn’t work at all for me. I haven’t tried the other two that you’re taking.
@ cagedtiger, I am worried about severe physical injuries but it’s all I can come up with in my current mental capacity. I have tried everything… ECT twice, in patient a lot, more than 20 different meds, DBT, PHP, etc. I was on a meds combination that seemed to work but I stopped my meds except a small dose of Seroquel because the physical withdrawals were so bad (it’s a horrible drug that the brain gets addicted to). My MD was the last person who still believed in me but she quit me (long story). My family and friends lots patience ages ago. I had so much going for me but my brain robbed me of it all…
I would rather just connect a hose to the exhaust, doesn’t often work with modern engines and a risk of brain damage but would be better than crashing and the pain involved and damage to the body.
+ I hope you do neither, it seems so sad that Monday you’ll be trying something, I hoped you’d try to continue for your cats, I know you care about them but perhaps I’m being unrealistic, just silly old ni trying to help.
@ nias I appreciate your talking to me. I don’t know what will happen Monday. The only way I can get thru the next three days is the hope that I will be dead soon. I feel more at peace. I don’t want to be sad again…
I totally understand, I think about death to reasure me although I haven’t put a date on it and may never get to that point, the point you have. I can even accept suicide, I will always try and talk someone out of it, but it seems you’ve set Monday and I’d rather think hanging by partial suspension or even getting pissed and falling in a canal and drowning (another of my options) is better than the car crash. I just want you to be ok, not to suffer, you seem nice and caring, responding to other posts despite you’re own problems.
You are both lovely people. I thank you so much for replying to my post. Still Lost, I hope everything works out for you, no matter which decision you choose. If you choose not to go through with it, please feel free to write me and let me know. I’d like to think you’ll be okay. The world needs caring people like you.
Still lost … wow you really have tried many different treatments out. May I ask, if the last combo of meds seemed to be helping, why did you stop them? You mentioned withdrawals, but that only happens when you stop taking them. What made you stop taking them if they were working? Maybe that’s an option to revisit? Trying out that combo again?
I know what you mean about your mind robbing you of a life. I feel that way quite often myself. It’s part of what I feel anyways. I certainly wouldn’t want to choose any method that had such a high chance of leaving me brain damaged, incapacitated or somehow paralized or otherwise immobilized. It would be horrible. I’d want to die so much more, but probably not even be able to do anything about it. Just saying…
@ JustLauren. Thank you. I hope things work out for you. If I’m still alive after Monday, I’ll be back to SP.
@ cagedtiger. Yep, I’ve done It all. I stopped my meds because my MD abandoned me – gave up on me. I tried another MD but couldn’t stand him. My MD was the only one I have ever connected with… it’s a long story. So, I stopped Lithium and Emsam. No side effects at all. But I knew stopping Seroquel would be tough so I slowly decreased the dosage over about 6 weeks. I had horrific withdrawals. I was out of it and had no refills so I lied to get the pharmacy to give me an emergency supply. My withdrawal symptoms went away after about 45 or so minutes. I bought some Seroquel from an online pharmacy in the UK but it won’t arrive for a couple of weeks (if the company is even legit)… so I will be out of Seroquel again in a few days. I have been so resilient but I’m too exhausted now.
@Still Lost, Ive read your post and to me im unsure why you want to commit suicide? Or have I missed something out. I am going through my own problems, and here if you would like to talk before anything happens please X
@ rrose123 I’ve written about in my other SP posts. I’m just too exhausted to write anymore. The upshot is that I had a great career then I totally ruined it (no exageration). I worked at big consulting firm so its easy for employers to ‘unofficially’ check on me. No one wants to hire a head case especially for senior positions. I got into grad school but had to take leave because my brain doesn’t work. Just one failure after another. My firmer bosses, friends and family were very supportive but I just didn’t get well fast enough or stay well so they all gave up on me. I literally have no one but my cats (who mean the world to me). I talk to my mom but its hard because she is a disaster too. My siblings lie about me. I used to be the ‘ideal’ child but now I’m the total family outcast. I was still managing to survive somehow but then my psychiatrist who managed meds and also did therapy, quit me. Long story but that was the last straw. The pain is intense… Thanks for asking. 🙂
@ Still lost I wish I had some Seroquel to share with you. I was prescribed a bunch of it as a sleep aid, but it didn’t help me sleep at all so I got rid of them. I do have some Trazedone (sp), which I think may be in the same family of medications, but I doubt would help you…
I say, suck it up and go see the doctor that you don’t care for. Just make the appointment as short and sweet as possible to get the prescriptions that you need. It seems to be a small price to pay considering you say that they seemed to have been helping you. Just do it. It’s hard to motivate yourself to do anything, especially when you’ve basically given up and decided that you’re going to check out. You owe it to yourself to try everything possible before doing something so final. We don’t know what happens after this lifetime. It may be an eternity of nothingness, which would be wonderful. There also may be an afterlife. There may be a price to pay for our actions here on earth. I know that most people here don’t share that belief and of course I’m not going to impose my beliefs on you, but I’m just saying, it is the “unknown” and anything is possible. Things might not be as simple as we might wish for them to be. We owe it to ourselves to try everything possible to improve our situations and I see for you a possibility in visiting that doctor and getting the meds that might help you. It’s obviously a very unpleasant option to say the least, if you’re going to the extremes of ordering meds from an online pharmacy, taking the risk of getting ripped off, having to wait for the mail, etc, just to avoid him/her. Is it really that bad going back to that doctor? What about getting a prescription at the ER? It sounds to me like you need those medications. Not just the seroquel, but the others as well, since you said they may have been helping you. What’s your take on this? Can you post an email address that I can write to you at so we can talk a little more? I couldn’t find your email address when I looked under the comments, but this was someone else’s post originally and I feel bad carrying on here, and would like to speak to you more before you make such a huge decision.
To JustLauren I’m so sorry that we’ve highjacked your post. As for your situation, I also feel that you really need to try switching medications. I mentioned in my last reply to you which you probably haven’t read yet, but our bodies and chemical imbalances change over time and different medications that didn’t work in the past may work now, so it’s worth a try for sure. I should take my own advise and try to take antidepressants again, since I’m not on any at the moment, but I’m SO depressed. Try it out sweetie, don’t give up. You’re so young and so much can change in your life. You really have so many years ahead of you. You just never know what life will have to offer you. For now, it may just be a matter of finding the right medication and or treatment. Also, I agree with the poster who said that maybe a change in psychiatrists could be helpful. Hang in there!
Sure. You can email me at drgately at yahoo.com
JustLauren I’m sorry too for highjacking your post.
@ Justlauren and @ Still Lost
I know how you feel. A few months ago, the only thing that kept me going was the thought that “I’m going to kill myself in a few weeks.” I decided not to, thought, and I think things are gradually looking up for me. Actually, there are many days when I am actually glad I chose to remain alive. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. I know how it feels to want to end the pain, to want peace and rest.
And I wanted to tell you that you are not alone, because I understand how you feel.
Please don’t kill yourself. Please. This is what a little voice in my heart said a few months ago, and I am glad I listened. There is love and there is hope out there. I couldn’t see it a few months ago with my clouded thoughts, but I am glad I hung on.
I recently saw a doctor and was diagnosed with a disease called “adrenal fatigue”, where your brain becomes depressed simply because your adrenal glands and other hormonal glands became unbalanced. It is treated differently than depression, but the medication they put me on has helped tremendously with my moods. @Still lost, have you had your adrenals and thyroid checked out? Adrenal fatigue is less common, so many doctors simply prescribe pills for depression without checking hormone imbalanced first. I am not an expert, but it might be something to check out since it has helped me so much. There is also a book called “Adrenal Fatigue” by James L Wilson if you want to research it.
I have faith that your life will soon get better. I know you are strong and you will overcome this! : )