I’m not sure where to express what I’m feeling. I don’t want to drag down my friends. I don’t want to announce it on Facebook.
I’m totally heartbroken. I miss my ex so much. He turned out to be not very nice in the end. I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I can’t believe he could be so callous, so cold – to leave me when I was suicidal, two days after fleeing home because I couldn’t cope. He left me homeless and took advantage of me sexually. Like, what? How? This person told me he loved me more than anyone in the world just a couple of months before this happened.
It’s been almost two months and I still feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest.
I’m not that suicidal, I just occasionally want to [hurt] myself in the chest. I don’t want to die. I just have the urges. It’s not as frequent as it’s been in the past.
I don’t know how to move on. I wish I could speak to him. But he won’t be the loving kind person he used to be. I found out he’s not a nice person. It can never be the same.
I need him. He’s not here for me any more. All the experiences we shared – I can see the times where he was inconsiderate and unkind now. I blinded myself on purpose to make us as happy as we could be. I focused on the good. It made me happy. But now I can see I pulled the wool over my eyes on purpose.
I’ve just done a CBT session online and it says that I can control my reaction to things. I can make things positive by empathy, is what it implies. Well, I empathise all the time, but there is a limit – I’ve given too much in too many areas of my life and I need to give to myself by not giving to the constant takers (my family included). I don’t think that if I act empathetically towards my ex I’ll be happy. He was cruel to me. I could never do what he did. I don’t believe that I should change how I think about him. He deserves to have something bad happen to him in return. I am more angry with him than I’ve ever been with any partner – no other partner has cheated on me. Too much bad stuff has happened to me for the answer to be for me to think differently about it. That’s like saying I’m wrong, or denying that it’s bad.
Also I have been acting very positively – any time something bad happens, I try to make connections and do the most positive thing. I don’t let myself feel bad – I make it as good as I can. My boyfriend left on good terms with me. I just haven’t spoken to him since and I’m fuming. I don’t think it is that healthy to make everything seem good. I don’t want to deny my anger any more. I want to allow myself to be angry and upset. I don’t want to distract myself by working constantly. I want to allow myself to feel what my mind wants to feel.
4 comments
It sounds like you don’t need him but rather you’re struggling to adapt to the new situation without him. The ‘need’ appears to be a wish to go back to familiarity instead of starting a new path. Moving on is usually just from the familiar comfort zone rather than the person.
I also agree that it isn’t healthy to deny anger. I believe we need all emotions not just happiness abs forcing happiness can not work it only bottles up frustration and hinders pure happiness.
Accept your anger, accept your sadness and accept your happiness.
I believe that, how can you smile or be angry if you never cried? How can you cry or be angry if you never smiled? How can you smile or cry if you were never angry?
You can’t fake emotions. It’s the balance emotions that I believe is what we need. An equal share of all.
Pinkcoconut, go ahead, let yourself experience the sadness and anger. Give it some time, write him some angry letters (just don’t send them!), plot some vicious revenge scenarios (just don’t act on them) and get it out of your system, and then, set it aside and focus on moving forward. Don’t deny or repress it, but don’t let it consume you or control your life, either.
I’m not able to control it. I think about him when my mind takes me to that place. Mostly I can’t bear to think of him at all, so I don’t. I’m not able to get angry about him or plot revenge very much – because my mind won’t let me think about him. It’s a grieving coping mechanism that I accept.
Nothing in my life is familiar right now. New home, new work, lots of unknowns, my family isn’t around and my boyfriend isn’t around. I crave some familiarity.