Hi every miserable self loathing being! Don’t let your youth be the end of you. Believe it or not, its the best part of your life. It gets much worse as life grinds on and on. I’m 38 and have suffered chronic depression as long as I can remember. My youth was filled with constant bullying and a knowledge of being less than. I have always been overweight, unattractive and poor. Looked upon and treated like a lepper.
People always say your a great guy, smart, fun, nice, blah blah blah. But when the chips are down, its just me. Holding the bag while they all laugh, or don’t know what to do with themselves.
So fuck you people. I learned long ago about friends and lovers. You put your heart out there and people are like fuckin vultures. The hole they have inside themselves makes them devour whatever little bit of real is in front of them. They have know idea what to do with it. So they kill it.
This is where people like us have the advantage over them. We can see the hipocrosy and mind numbing bullshit. Most of them have never experienced an honest feeling in there life. Whatever pop culture and the equally hollow person there listening to says they should be doing, they will undoubtedly do. And make us feel like shit for questioning that mindless way of life.
I have experienced almost forty years of this. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m tired. I’m tired of the fight. I’m completely sick and tired of my insane thought path.
This is the begining of several posts that will eventually lead to my death. I just want to chronicle this time in my life. Maybe a last ditch effort to share with some people who know. As I sit and smoke this cigarette, drink this beer and lament for something that never was, I say to you…… This is the end, beautiful friend.
4 comments
Now why in the world would you want to go? It’s been a while since I’ve seen such an enlightened mind as yours (it’s actually quite similar to the way I think). It seems that you have had some very bad influences most of your life, I promise you though, if you keep your head up and at least try… Just try your hardest to be optimistic, then those that are optimistic, nonjudgmental, and caring will eventually find their ways into your life. You have quite insightful thoughts. Try to not focus on how depressing, superficial, ignorant, and conforming the rest of the world is; and try to expand and elaborate on those thoughts. What are some ways you could change the pieces of the world or society that you see to be out of place? Yes, I know you are one, but just think about the chance to get others to join in supporting your call for change, the ability, the power to allow another human to not live the life you have lived and to better your own. Now the world missing yet another insightful mind such as yours, only sends the world into darker ignorance, which you have the ability to change 🙂 i will take dibs on being your first believer and supporter! As long as it is for positive change of course
Thanks for the support. Just having a place to vent is amazing! I’m on a constant roller coaster. Today was good until this afternoon. It strikes quickly, viciously. I work 12 to 15 hours a day and I’m alone all day. I like not being around other people most of the time. I don’t know what else to say. I’m not used to anybody giving a shit about my thoughts. I really appreciate it. I’m new to this, where can I find more about you? Birds of a feather you know………
You are a fantastic writer. Forgive my spelling errors if there are any. I most likely won’t be able to tell; I have a learning disability and insomnia.
I have been (and still am) an outcast in many ways. I used to think it was because I was inferior or superior in some ways. Though there may be truth to that, I see things as I am just a human in a pretty rough world.
You mention pop culture. I go through phases where I am baffled at the worship and glorification of celebrities. Some of which have nothing to offer or put out thoughtless garbage.
Then I started to seek out and found honest people who make interesting art and food and aren’t afraid to say things like you write. They’re out there. There are good people. No perfect people but good.
Yes, the world out there is fucked in many ways, but I wonder for myself sometimes if maybe there is enough good to stick around for.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Where are these good people you speak of? Maybe you are one of them. Where are you today?