I’ve always been told that I’m living wrong, I’m doing things wrong, I have the wrong hobbies and interests, hanging out with the wrong friends, being either to shy or to loud, spending my time wrong, treating people wrong. And I have always believed them, my family, my friends, my teachers or whoever I was in contact with. I tried to be like them, like the “cool guys at school” even though it was exactly them who bullied me for years; I tried to befriend them and act like them, because every input I got from anyone was about me being wrong and them being right. I thought I had to change to fit into their lives because I was different.
My family saw me spending much time alone or playing games and therefore told me to be like the guys in school (not explicitly but in the way they treated me). At school I wasn’t cool enough for the “cool kids” and just followed them until I realized how fucked up that is. My teacher even took me in for a private conversation and told me not to act so differently from the rest of my class or else I would never get any friends. I did terrible things, I even once joined in their bullying of another classmate because I felt like they would accept me that way. The guy turned out to be one of my better friends later on, but I still hate myself for doing what I did on that day.
A few years ago I slowly started to realize it wasn’t me who is weird and who needs to change and I became friends with the “uncool” kids at school who turned out to be really nice friends, one of them is still my best friend until today even though I only have contact to two of them regularly.
I like to play lots of video games, so what? I hate going to parties and getting drunk while dancing, so what? I enjoy classical music and have an interest for science, so what? I used to wear glasses, so what? I am shy and suck at small talk, so what? All this trying to change myself only led to worse situations and it was really tough to realize I wasn’t the one who acted wrong. And I am still in the process of getting back to who I really am, to gain some confidence and lose nervousness in social interactions. Ironically what is helping me with this problem is my depression or at least my suicidal thoughts. I more often tend to say “Whatever” when something goes wrong, I don’t care much anymore about what some people think about me because essentially it doesn’t matter. Essentially there’s not much at all that matters.
Anyways, I started playing WoW because my gaming friend has been nagging me to buy this game for the last few months. I can’t call myself a gamer if I’ve never played wow, right? I haven’t tried it yet because I was afraid of getting addicted and spending to little time for university; but like I said earlier: Whatever!
4 comments
Well what you went through “Trying to fit In” is something that just about everybody goes through especially in the teenage years. When your in your teens and early 20’s certain things re considered cool and popular and other things are not considered cool or popular. Peer presure to be a certain type can come and peer presure to do negative things can come too. I always respected the peopole who do not give into peer pressures and think for themselves and be the way they really want to be so long as they arent abusive to others in some way.
I also have found that what is considered cool and normal varies in different societies. I have lived in places where being a jock and gettting drunk on weekends is the thing. And I have lived in societies where the culture is very different and people are more unique > more individuals > like more into the arts and being unique. I also have found that peeer pressure to be a certain way kind of drops down as you get older. People become more open minded and less likely to be judgemnetal of others for no real reason. At least that has been my experience.
There is nothing wrong with being different. Being eccentric in your own way can be cool.
its a mark of somebody who has the balls to be themself. instead of a herd follwer.
so dont get down on yourself the world needs to have different types of people
unique people are cool in my opinion.
just try to have a positive attitude toward life and positive direction
I totally agree. The thing is though that society doesn’t want unique human beings, the government and the elites don’t want critically thinking minds. The whole system of education is designed to make humans that obey and follow the mainstream – even though they think they are “cool” and independent. Thanks for your comment!
Your fourth paragraph, even though you mentioned suicidal thoughts, is something I feel passionate about reinforcing to other people. You can never be wrong for being yourself and enjoying things that you like. If people don’t like that “so what?” As you said. It’s their oribkem not yours. You can only be who you are. Never, ever apologise for liking certain things and not liking others. It’s other people’s loss for not getting to know us not our loss for not getting to know them. Be you and only ever be you. In time you realise “those that mind don’t matter, those that matter don’t mind”
“You do you, and I’ll do me” I live by this.
Thanks, if only someone had convinced me about this 10 years earlier.. I mean can you expect a teenager right in puberty who is seeking appreciation and approval to figure this out on his own? Most people I meet that are older than me haven’t even figured this out yet. Either they feel like they are “cool” or they want to become like someone who is “cool”.