Don’t Feel Good Inside

I’m typing this here because I have no one to talk to. I happened to read a post with a situation similar to mine. I’m not alone. I don’t live alone. But I am alone. I cry a lot because I don’t feel good about myself. I’m tired. Nothing traumatic happened in my life. I was raised by strict God-fearing parents and I have two sisters. I don’t want to blame the way I feel on the way i was raised. I was homeschooled., but unlike most kids and teenagers, I didn’t really have any friends. I’m an adult now. I don’t even have a handful of friends. I live with a friend whose cool and sweet, but I still feel so alone. My older sister is my best friend and i used to talk to her about things on my mind. She just recently had a baby which makes a family of 7 for her. I feel like i don’t want to bother her because she’s busy w/family. Why should she have to care about what is going on with me? I’m close to my mom but not close enough to talk to her. I’ve known the friend i live with for 9 years, but I can’t talk to her either. I feel like God has way too many important things to be concerned with then to give a **** about me. So who do i talk to? My feelings are conflicted. Sometimes, i want to go away, far far away..disappear.  Other times, i wish i at least have a few friends to go on a trip with or have a girls night out, then other times, I don’t want to be bothered. I feel stuck. I’m tired of existing. Suicide isn’t the answer. Its a sin. It’s murder. So if i try that, that will just add to the list of sins i already have. We don’t ask to be here. We’re here because we have no other choice but to live and suck it up. Let’s not forget selfishness. If i did away with myself, my family and friend will suffer. I’m a kind, considerate person so i can’t do that. But I’m tired. I was once told when i survived a car accident with my family years ago, “God  has a plan for you.” Really? I flew out the back window of my family’s van. I stopped breathing in the ER. Why wasn’t that it for me? I was told you should never question Him, but i can’t help but wonder, why wasn’t that it for me? Then I stop to think, maybe the plan He had for me got screwed up somehow when I veered off course somewhere along the line -made a huge mistake, traveled down the wrong road, then that plan got squashed. I did not ask to be here. I have no purpose. I feel useless about 99% of the time. I’m just tired.