Don’t want to do it so I won’t hurt my family

I’ve had a lot of medical and mental history. My CFS/fibromyalgia is bad at this moment. I’ve tried to take my life in the past, but didn’t know you were supposed to go down the road and not cross the tracks. Plus I have a genetic blood disorder that causes my to clot quickly. I didn’t know that at the time. I saw my mother try to kill herself several times as a child. I don’t want to leave that legacy to my hubby and children or whoever may find me. But, I’m tired of being a burden. I’ve learned my Daughter in Law says I complain to much without letting her get her complaining in. My pain both physical and mental are great. But, even though I know my family would have a better life without me, I don’t want them to go through the initial pain, or hate me because I’ve done it. I love them all so much. It is a difficult decision to make. Stay and have them loose part of their life by taking care of me, or leave and have them angry and hurt that I was not strong enough to deal with what I’ve been given. When ever I’ve tried to kill myself, it wasn’t a call for help, it was that I’m just so tired of fighting. I’m becoming bitter, yet somehow I manage to put the wants and desires of others above myself. I want to be selfish, I want to quit hurting, If I had it my way, I would have an active fulfilled life. I guess I’m just venting. It just really sucks right now.