I’ve Decided to Go

I’ve been through it all. The medications. The Treatments. The therapy. At some point everything became blank. After I visited my father, who criticized me down to the last bit until I realised, I am nothing. I failed at all my suicide attempts. They said everyone who survived an attempt is always greatful. I wonder, when did it all go wrong. For as long as I remember, I was just…never real. We are all not real. I tried my best to always do what my parents wanted. I just wasn’t smart enough. I tried to be the best. But I’m nothing. My existence is a failure. I wish I could forget the past. I wish I could forget now, and tomorrow. Through all the betrayal and heartbreak I had and have three friends. I am so fortunate, and I pray to the God that everyone prays to for them. But, is God real? Being happiness is a punishment. I’m so fortunate to have someone who loves me. It’s been almost 8 years. How am I going to leave him? A part of me still takes depression and psychosis as nothing serious….but I am surprised everyday at how much this thing…hurts. I can’t cry anymore. I can’t see colours. I used to love music….trained hard and got to Grade 6 in piano and theory. I haven’t touched it in 2 years. I can’t hear music. Nothing is real anymore. I’ve decided it’s time to go. They say why die, you don’t know death. I don’t. Is it worse than this? I’m so proud of my friends. She said,”…. dawg, the grief you would cause me and Mikhail would be so great, that he might not survive it….and I just can’t”. They never let me fall. I see death. Everywhere. They say have hope. There is hope, but not for me. I think….God hates me. Why, am I here and who….am I? Where is here? He says to give him time and he’ll make it better. I hate myself that I worry them. why me? They haven’t realised yet that I am already dead. I tried hard for them. I smiled. I laughed. I was foolish. They said i’m a soldier. No….I am not. I don’t exist. This is the true meaning of isolation.