was looking up effective suicide methods and stumbled across your site. it’s hard to not really have people to talk with when i feel this way and most posters her seemed kind and smart so i thought i would register. really ptsd triggered today and that usually causes me to want to escape and that is really hard. i feel pretty abandoned by the universe at times like these. i try a hard as i can with my health challenges and ptsd and still things are a hot mess. have thryoid problems that are resisting treatment and i keep wondering if i just stopped taking the meds, which really aren’t working well anyway, would my heart just stop…or maybe i would die of hypothermia…not a pleasant way to die, i get so painfully cold when my meds are just low so none at all has got to be intense…
guess i just needed to say how i was feeling without anyone judging me or trying to MAKE me feel better. poverty, and uncertainty on a host of fronts just make it straw that broke the camel’s back hard…
wanted to set the post to private so that only members could see it but not sure if that is what private does. can anyone tell me?
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Well let me be the first to welcome you to the SP.
What triggered your ptsd today? An as far as stopping your meds goes I have no clue about thyroids, but I personally believe that the government and big farm. are in cahoots doling out pills that do way more harm than good. It’s how they make you dependent and take all your money.
hi perfectly imperfect and thanks for your welcome. ptsd (they call it complex ptsd so a host of everyday situations can tip me over) triggered by dental visit and the doc and receptionist not checking to see if the filling replacement would be covered the way they usually do and thyroid brain fog preventing me from seeing it till it was a done deal. might end up with 200 dollar bill i can’t pay. it just brings up all the feelings of vulnerability re health challenges and poverty and i am just so tired anyway, chronic fatigue syndrome just makes everything so hard to accomplish
re thyroid, mine doesn’t produce it’s own hormones anymore or absorb the drugs either. problems coming and going. and then docs have been overly dependant on the blood work to say that the dose is high enough even though i am still clearly symptomatic and recently stumbled across the fact i am so symptomatic that i am not just freezer cold a lot of the time but also my heart rate has been dangerously low. so doc is trying new meds but his initial dose was way too low and i got sick and had to up it and now have been waiting a month for him to get back to me to officially represcribe higher dose so i don’t run out of med, and i am just tired….
hypothyroid, among other things, does cause depression so that is probably not helping with ptsd or suicidal feelings. but i feel fed up by random weight gain of it and having to push to get treated properly and now having dentist let me down…
i feel very not resilient today….
also have an eating disorder and that’s really not helping matters today. hungry brain is not good decision making brain….
PTSD when it fires changes your personality. Let me quote one sufferer from a story on PTSD published today “My anger levels were through the roof” (NOTE: PTSD anger does not lead to violence, it’s just anger which can arise from the trauma experienced)…and more “Quite simply, it changes your personality”. These are direct quotes from a PTSD sufferer (a soldier) in a story on PTSD that appeared today. For me when PTSD triggers I an experience anger (I yell and let out anger but I don’t hit ANYONE or anything)…but it triggers more than anything this incredible sadness and hopelessness…this feeling that there’s nothing in the world that’s worthwhile anymore. Decision making can become hard particularly when you just feel like you couldn’t be bothered trying anymore, I mean try for what reason? Just to be knocked down again by the next person who comes along? I wish I had people around me who supported me rather than make things worse…but people have really been a major cause of my PTSD in the first place so it’s like turning to the perpetrator for support. That’s how I see it sometimes.
kontin, i appreciate your insights and sharing your story. that is true, it does change the personality. i hadn’t thought of it quite that way. for me it’s usually not so much anger as fight/flight/freeze. that’s all there is. it blocks out the sun. and yes, for me as well, all people and situations can trigger it or just make it worse. sometimes if i hibernate it can help, but the hopelessness of knowing that even when the latest trigger feeling settles that i will never know when the next one is coming to get me. been suicidal to one degree or another since i was 17 and now am in my 40s. it’s wearing me down. i end up with some dangerous periods of running out of brave and strong. i definitely relate to your share and am grateful your reaching out to let me know i am not alone.
No you’re not alone that’s for sure and I also relate to the ‘freeze’ feeling as well as fight/flight. It does block out the sun that’s for sure. I just wish upon all wishes that people would come to realise what kinds of impacts they can have on another human being (and that impact should not been seen as strong on the part of the perpetrator not weakness on the part of the victim). I’ve now had close to 50 traumatic events and at least 2/3s of those were people triggered. BE KIND, BE WELL MEANING, BE GENEROUS, RESPECT RIGHTS, DON’T TRASH, DON’T ABUSE, DON’T RIDICULE, DON’T HUMILIATE, DON’T MISTREAT, DON’T HARM, DON’T HURT.
kontin i am so sorry to hear you have had so many traumatic events. that is hard for sure. i guess for me it’s hard to say how many events for they all blurred together over decades of constant abuse. apparently that’s how it is with complex ptsd. there are many concrete omg that’s way in left field things that my parents did, but the constant grind of neglect and isolation was the worst of it in retrospect. you can’t regularly leave a child for up to 48 hours alone with tv as her only company and expect her to magically be ok. i find it so hard to trust that things will work out, that people do care, and i just don’t feel connected or loved. i try to, i want to, i sometimes think i do, but then times like these happen and it all seems a mirage. i can’t sleep. i am afraid to for i know i will have nightmares. been having them pretty regularly again. and the insomnia does my head in as much as any problematic interaction. sometimes it’s the smallest thing that can send me reeling. no way to explain it to someone who doesn’t have ptsd, no matter how well meaning they are.
i appreciate that you took the time to write and share your experience and process with ptsd. it’s a good reminder to shake myself out of my isolation. it is worsened by not being able to talk about any of this with my friends. i definitely have a kind of emotional anorexia and have been doing my best to learn new patterns but times like these feel like such a setback i wonder why i bothered trying at all….
Hello Sere
Thought I was reading my own story for a minute. hahaha
I suffer from Complex PTSD myself. That actual diagnosis is this: the patient suffers the consequences of severe childhood and adulthood physical, emotional and sexual abuse over a prolonged period.
So PTSD with 17/17 symptoms, pain disorder associated with psychological factors, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder(inattentional sub-type) and obsessive compulsive disorder which manifests as Spartanism. As you can imagine…I was getting triggered almost everyday.
I came here myself almost three years ago…when I was ready to pack it in again. On top of the PTSD and it’s storm of dysfunction…I also have auto-immune and thyroid issues as well. Long story longer…these wonderful, messed-up souls saved my sorry ass for me. hahaha
I am 2 years into recovery…and they tell me I am a breakthrough. I am on a healing journey now for sure…and they assure me I won’t fall again…I have come too far. Yeah me !!
The reason that I shared is because I want you to know that you can recover from PTSD…and I hope that coming here is a positive step in your recovery as well. I can relate to most of what you are saying…including the emotional anorexia and brain fog. haha And I am 53 myself…and my first of 8 suicide attempts was before the age of 4.
Where there is a Will…there is a Way. Sending you lots of Love and Light. <3
hi amakua
thanks for reaching out to let me know it gets better. i was a bit less triggered earlier but am starting to slip back again and that was stressing me out, that fear of how bad it can get. last night was pretty terrible. still haven’t heard from from dentist or endocrinologist so that’s an base line stress and then i had to write to endo, which is stress and being already pretty baseline triggered i find myself escalating again. i decided to make a thyroid med adjustment myself again and i think that will help. having thyroid meds sorted seems like a ciritical piece of getting my ptsd better managed.
hard to feel like i could ever recover from ptsd though. it’s so systemic and sometimes feels less intrusive and then bam, i’m right back in hell. that’s the hardest. not sure how to feel better today so i might just stay in so i reduce changes of triggers…not sure what else will help. being as suicidal as i was last night is so worrisome.
it’s such a funny thing finding this site. a google search engine pulled it up because people were talking about a suicide method that i thought was promising but then i started poking about…you never know where hope or support might come from i guess. nice to know that others are in similar places. nice to not have to put a shiny face on feeling so crap. can’t be honest with my friends. would just freak them out. they dont’ know i have ptsd. they really dont’ know how suicidal i get….
Sorry I got lost Sere
Had to make hay while the sun was shining…or in other words…had to cut the grass before it rains.
In regards to the dentist…worrying won’t pay the bill either…and the good news is…they are not likely to confiscate your filling for non payment. I have heard that worrying is a dysfunctional coping skill to try to deal with overwhelming anxiety…but then…what do I know.
I only know that I suffered from severe anxiety for 50 years…and no longer suffer from any anxiety. I’m not going to say it was a miracle cure…I have been in some form of therapy on and off since the age of 15. But then obsessive thoughts were part of the fall out of PTSD.
When I get triggered anymore…I try to deal with it…and when I can’t…I watch a really good comedy and laugh at the absurdity of myself and others. I find that what I read, watch and listen to has an enormous impact on my “mood”, so I try to avoid too much news, psycho dramas, aggressive sports…and all such other nonsense. Actually…I gave up TV a long time ago. Good music can also improve my mood…whereas moody music just makes me moodier. ha
Meditation and relaxation techniques are usually effective at raising ones spirit or energy…but when all else fails…I throw a hell of a tantrum, finish off with a good cry, wash my face, comb my hair and go for a walk in nature. I should also probably tell you that I was prescribed medical marijuana for my physical issues as well as the PTSD…and this is the only “drug” that I take. It is my opinion and becoming the opinion of others that this is an effective way of dealing without PTSD.
Much like you…by December 2000…I had worked myself into such a state emotionally, mentally and physically…that it was actually making me very ill. I had been diagnosed with 8 auto-immune disorders including Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I was given less than 6 months.
So why am I still here? My doctor prescribed the weed and told me, “Medical science WILL not help you…you need to look for your own answers”. And I did. 😀 Figured what did I have to lose.
Oddly enough….when I start to heal my mind….my body started to heal as well. Yes I will always have physical pain from wear and tear and abuse…my own and others…but I no longer am symptomatic for any of my previous diagnosis…and my thyroid levels are normal for the first time in my life. Odd that eh?
I found my biggest hurdle was myself and that I never had the time to deal with one thing before another thing or 6 would go off. I was in survivor mode for sure…and it seems like you might be there yourself?
As you have evidenced…you are more than welcome to talk here…and anyone that you don’t agree with…well hell you can just delete them. Too bad real time wasn’t more like this eh? But seriously…this is the place to heal and deal for a lot of souls…and I am just glad they were here for me when I needed it. It is kinda like dialectial therapy without the face time. 😀