What If I Was Dead

I’m new to this so I’d like to apologize in advance for the length of this but I have a lot I just need to get out there and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and/or comment.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you were dead? Like, what if you just killed yourself one day because you had finally just had enough? I’m only 16 and I’ve already had enough. How am I supposed to make it to my 20s or even to 18 for that matter? I cry myself to sleep every night. I just wish someone actually cared about me, like genuinely cared. I only believe one person actually somewhat cares about me and that’s Travis. I honestly think he’s the only reason I’m still here right now. He just is pretty much always there when I need him. He goes out of his way for me all the time and it actually seems like he wants to be in my life. I’ve only know him since the beginning of August and he is the only one who has been trying to save me. I feel like my own parents don’t even want to be around me. Not my mom, not my step dad, and not my dad. It’s like I’m a disgrace, like I shouldn’t have even been born. I bet my mom would be so much happier if I hadn’t been born. She would be out on her own accomplishing so much more in the world if I wasn’t here holding her back. If I killed myself she wouldn’t have to come home at night, she could just stay at work because I’m pretty sure that’s the only place she wants to be anyway. I’ve considered cutting…but I don’t want anybody to know or see the emotional pain I am in. I always act happy, I put up this fake front that everything is great, that I’m doing great and I couldn’t be happier when the truth is, all I want is to die. I have nothing to live for. I almost wish my mom would put me in a teen mental facility because I just want to feel better.

I think it’d be nice to go to sleep and just like, never wake up. I could be at peace. I just want to be content and happy but apparently that is too much to ask for. Why do I have to live in a world where there is so much hate? I’ve been bullied in everyway there is to be bullied since elementary school. Why can’t people just be nice? Why does society have this one idea of perfect? Like, I don’t have a perfect body or a perfect face or a perfect anything for that matter. I’m the farthest thing from perfect. There is only on other thing that makes me feel less like I don’t belong and that’s my horse Cooper. I have so many things and an unlimited realm of things to do and yet I’m still just so unhappy. Does that make me a spoiled brat or selfish or anything of that sort? I wish I would just stop breathing all the sudden, like my heart would just stop beating and that’d be it. When I think about killing myself I would never like stab myself or shoot myself or jump off of a building or something like that. I want to die peacefully, like my heart would just slowly stop while I was sleeping and that’d be the end. When I think about killing myself, I think about taking a bunch of pills. But what pills do I take? How many do I take? How long will it take for it to work? What if someone catches me? How am I going to explain that? What would I tell Travis? Would my mom even care? Would anyone care? This is my cry for help because honestly, if you could read my mind, you’d be in tears.