…I feel less and less motivation to do anything. I’ve stopped going to classes, appointments, meetings with friends. The only thing I actually do is go to work. Normally I would proceed as usual because I’m always aware there is a possibility my suicide will fail and I will be left with the consequences of shrugging off my school work and such. But something tells me that this time will work and if it doesn’t…I might finally say “fuck it” and jump off a building even though it could potentially lead me to become a vegetable. How am I going to get my ass back in gear and live my life until the day of my suicide. I don’t know how to motivate myself. I’m lost in limbo, between life and the realization that I’m almost dead.
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I have a similar problem in which I have a difficult time doing many of life’s ‘routine’ activities. It gets to the point where I’m essentially an isolated hermit. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like a ‘prisoner’ so I go out and do something… and it doesn’t quite go well. The only thing I can suggest is to be your own best friend. If you know that you’re pulling away, stop doing so. You might need those friends and appointments down the road. Perhaps you’ll conclude that suicide isn’t the answer. I pushed everyone away years ago and it continues to haunt me now. For your sake, keep meeting with your friends.
Don’t you worry what will happen after death? I worry… You could probably make a difference in this life and you probably already do. I hope you don’t commit suicide, it’s a devastating thing.
Hello Lauren, I am also currently in a bad spot. I am a psychology student, and the love of my life has entered into a mental facility because of suicidal thoughts. It makes me feel powerless and useless that I could not help her. I read some of your previous posts. What you need is someone to see you, to be there for you. I can do that. We all need someone there for us. As for your motivation? What I find helps me get through the day, is to set up a routine. No matter how depressed you get, do that same routine. It could be as simple as eating, going for a small walk, and showering at the same times each day. It might not help you get motivation, but it will help you make it throughout the day.
Sadly, I think that there is a “negative feedback loop” effect associated with even ambivalent decisions to commit suicide in the future. If you think you are going to kill yourself anyway, then you have less incentive to try harder in life now, which makes your life worse and makes you more likely to kill yourself later, which makes you less likely to try harder, which makes your life worse… and so forth.
I recommend powering through for now. Easier said than done, I know. I am also on my way out in the next few weeks. But I’m still trying. Still searching, still drinking, still meeting people, still traveling, trying to find something to make me want to live. I don’t think that its going to work out. But I figure, if I don’t try as hard as I can now, it will be harder to convince myself to pull the trigger later, because I might object that I haven’t tried enough things yet.
I feel every word you said.
Diatant.road you turned ghost on me!!