I’m so sick of having to live up to expectations. I’m 16, doesn’t that mean I should be able to live a little? My parents have all of these standards for me like just because I’m Chinese and my brother is a genius doesn’t mean I am smart! Because I’m not! In fact, I have C’s and B’s and sometimes D’s and F’s, and I work my ass off to get them. Just because my brother didn’t have a social life doesn’t mean I can’t step foot out the door more than once a weekend. Yes I drink. Yes I smoke weed. I’m in high school. Wake up. But I am responsible. I try very hard in school and because of this my grades are growing every day. Simultaneously I am able to keep up a social life, and I think I deserve it because of my hard work. I am respectful to my parents. It is so hard because all of my friends are allowed to do what they want and my parents don’t understand shit. They put these retraints on me as if I am some sort of prisoner. Just because I didn’t want to get yelled at for the millionth time and I tried to pay my parking ticket without them knowing, now I am basically grounded for the rest of high school and have my debit card taken away and not allowed to drive anywhere. God she was dying for an excuse to keep me locked up. If I kill myself they can have me fucking forever and sleep with my fucking corpse if they want to. People are always saying be grateful that someone loves you but if this is love then I want nothing to do with it. If love means living every day walking on eggshells to prevent the next godforsaken thing to provoke a lecture or a scolding then I want it out of my life and I want to kill myself. I want to kill myself for the sole purpose of bringing as much pain to them as possible. I want to show them that they don’t have control over me and I decide my fate and grades don’t. I want them to see that nothing they say matters if I die at 16 and To show them that they are failures as parents and I am happier dead than to be anywhere on Earth with them. They are the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
8 comments
Have you talked to your parents about how you feel? Do you really want to die? Yes you will cause them pain, but you will be gone and not being able to enjoy the things you do. You will be able to leave them soon. And the end of the day, they care for you and want to give you the best future possible. Its tough being grown up and getting a good. They got experience on this subject which you obviously don’t have. Don’t throw your life away, in a few years time you might understand where they are coming from. Talk to each other,!
No matter what your grades are, you could have a bright future ahead of you. You’re absolutely right you can choose your own future, so be sure you’re choosing a future that makes YOU happy and not a future that you think will hurt THEM. Please don’t make your whole life about your parents. Make it yours. If you can, maybe start by getting a job and paying your own non-survival-related expenses to show them you really mean it about being independent. Consider giving them one chance by explaining how they’re making you feel. A lot of kids in that kind of situation don’t feel loved by their parents just for who they are, for example. Think hard about how their treatment of you makes you feel, and just calmly tell them. That it’s all about achieving glory for them instead of what you truly need. Or maybe you could explain that when they compare you to your brother, you feel it’s only him they love, or that you could never be good enough for them so it doesn’t feel worth it to you to even try anymore. If you can, just focus on how you feel and how it makes you want to act because if you just make accusations they’ll get defensive and won’t listen to anything you have to say. If they won’t listen or call you “selfish,” you can flat out explain you don’t feel loved by them (at all). If they love you, your best bet is to convey your emotions to them in a way they can *understand.* (From what you’ve described, I’m going to hazard a guess that like tiyara said, they probably do love you and are just really really bad at showing it.)
Sorry you’re having a tough time. Parents can be overbearing, condescending asses. But they do love you. They do want the best for you. They’re trying to secure a bright future for their kid. I don’t mean to be a jerk, but some of their reactions are pretty normal. A lot of parents don’t enjoy seeing their kid drinking, smoking weed, etc.
I know it’s hard to live up to tough standards, especially with your “perfect”, studious brother in the picture. I know. I’m a teen.
I hope you don’t kill yourself just to hurt them. Hey, you’re sixteen – a few more years, and you’re free to carve out your own life, independently. Freedom. Right???
Contemplating, you say: “Yes I drink. Yes I smoke weed. I’m in high school. Wake up.” (…) “all of my friends are allowed to do what they want and my parents don’t understand shit. They put these retraints on me […]”
It sounds like your parents understand perfectly well that you’re making bad choices. It’s their job to try to keep you alive and healthy long enough for you to learn some common sense. What your friends are allowed to do is irrelevant.
“I tried to pay my parking ticket without them knowing, now I am basically grounded for the rest of high school and have my debit card taken away and not allowed to drive anywhere.”
Is the car in your name or theirs? Is the debit card linked to their account, accessing their money (or money they’ve given you)?
If so, you are not entitled to those things. They are privileges, and you are abusing them. You say you’re responsible, but if you’re drinking, smoking weed, getting Ds and Fs, getting parking tickets, then it sounds like you aren’t mature enough to handle that much freedom yet. They are right to remove those privileges until you can demonstrate that you’re mature enough to not abuse them.
Committing suicide will not punish your parents in the way you think it will. It will devastate them, yes, but no one will blame them. In fact, people are more likely to rally around them, offer them comfort, and reassure them that it wasn’t their fault. Are you ok with that result?
completely agree with all of this.
dear young person,please allow time to comment on your letter. i am new to the site and not familiar with all the protocall. i came to this site to find something, ANYTHING, that would keep me going for another minute or two. yours is the first letter i read. please allow me to reply from the perspectve as the poster child for shitty parents. my kids are the only two things that i have done right in my life. my step daughter, is a sucessful, young buisnesswoman, who no longer talks to me or has anything to do with me. my son,who is special needs, moved in with his girlfriend and is trying to make a life of his own. proud of him, but also angry and hurt. his mother and i divorced after a 26 years of marriage. if you want to get even, the perfect revenge, then live. both of my kids take great pleasure in letting me know what a piece of shit i am
I make my own money so the debit card is linked to my own account. My parents have no idea I drink or smoke and they are simply punishing for my parking ticket and wanting to go out with my friends on the weekends. My grades have recently suffered because I went through surgery on my hand but they are growing every day as I am working very very hard in order to earn these “privileges” from them. I can honestly say that doing drugs or drinking alcohol has no way hindered my grades because I don’t do them regularly, once or twice a month tops. I KNOW I put in enough hours (4-5+ a day on top of soccer practice every day and work on the weekends/days) to keep up my grades because I was forced to take challenging classes in the first place, nearly twice the workload as any of my friends. I cant remember the last time I got more than 6 hours of sleep on a week day. I just don’t understand why I cant do some of the things I want to do when I am satisfying the ONLY thing my parents ever talk to me about anymore: grades. Now I’m not even allowed to go to the gym because I forgot to pay a meter 20 min late and I tried to pay the ticket with my OWN money.
Thanks for clarifying where the money you had came from. I’m not Asian but I am from an immigrant family in the West, so I can relate to the “wanting to be like the other kids” aspect pretty well. (In my case I got great grades in school for the most part but my parents were still terrible to me for other much flimsier reasons. I hope yours will at least get better.) Will they hear you out if you calmly explain that working out *helps* people’s brain power (as well as lowering their stress levels), and that you need their support but their cruelty is hurting instead of helping you? If you calmly repeat that they’re *not helping* enough times, then if they care for you, hopefully those messages will gradually sink in.
Anyway, I hope some of those other friends are also from your own culture? I only say this just in case: if you don’t already have any, please seek out real life role models from your own culture that you can have positive associations with. Maybe you already know your language and culture AND are quite proud of them, but I’m only saying this in case you don’t. I can’t stress enough how extremely important these are. Don’t let your parents’ cruelty take away your pride, and don’t let other people’s lack of respect for your home culture do the same. Again, this might not apply to you at all but just in case I wanted to say this to help you avoid some of the pain and emptiness I’ve experienced during the course of my life.