Deep down I knew it all along; I knew I would relapse. I just didn’t know it would happen so soon after I started getting better. Maybe I wasn’t actually getting better? Yeah, I got a job and started doing voluntary work but my mind is still empty. For more than 2 years now it’s been 97% empty, remaining 3% were occupied by my feeling of worthlessness and grief towards life. I stopped daydreaming long time ago. Nothing interests me, nothing bothers me. I don’t think. I’m getting dumber each day and it’s showing. I’m so done.. Even meds stopped working. Sometimes I still wish I could be the person I always wanted to be, but I’m a realist, I know myself so I know it’s not going to happen.
All that’s left now is to choose the right date; method and place are sorted. From ashes to ashes, right?
3 comments
Somethings things come along that push on us. They can push us either way… toward our goals or away. Backsliding happens. It’s often a momentary lapse followed by renewed energy to keep moving forward. If you’ve relapsed, reach out for help if you need it. In a July post, you mentioned that you were seeing a psychiatrist. Let this person know what’s going on and how you’re feeling. They can help you… Give yourself a chance.
Nothing happened though. One day I just felt depressed again. There will be no renewed energy, there never was. My mind is dead, I’m not myself anymore, don’t know if I ever was. My psychiatrist doesn’t give a shit about me, no way I’m gonna speak to him. Noone can help me, they tried. I’ve given myself too many chances and I hate myself for it. I should’ve killed myself when I was ready and not give two shits about people I would’ve left behind. I live because of them, I suffer because of them.
you hit the nail on the head with that comment. You live and suffer because of people in your life. No animal, building, mountain, rain storm, snow storm, rock, tree, plant ever pushed me to the brink of suffering. I’ve never been in a hurricane or earthquake or bitten by a snake, but I imagine those things cause destruction and then you deal with it. Only people hurt and hurt in deep psychological ways. I guess the trick is to live with people, live for them and because of them but somehow not let them cause you to suffer. This life thing is a tough game. What’s that saying, “Don’t take anything personally.”