I should probably start this post out by admitting to one thing- I am not suicidal. I am not suicidal but I am looking for help and to understand. My best friend and life partner is looking to kill himself and he has been wanting to talk about it with me, more and more, lately. These conversations end with him yelling because I don’t understand this very big part of him and me crying because the idea is just to painful for me to take in- being without my best friend. His habits of self-inflicted injury are becoming daily and I am at a loss of what to do. I am watching him painfully slip away and I can’t help him. I suggest therapy and he gets furious- he says I am downgrading his thoughts and pain. This is something I don’t mean to communicate to him. I want to be able to help him but I just don’t know how. He suggested I read this site so that see what he is feeling. I am desperate to help him and I love and care for him. Please, please help me, help him.
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Feeling suicidal is a very honest thing to tell
Someone about. So I feel from this that they trust you a lot. They aren’t looking for you to suggest anything (such as therapy) they just want you to listen. And to validate that what they are feeling is real. (However you may feel about this-I can’t imagine how hard this Is) but I do know how hard this is from someone who currently feels suicidal. They want to know they are being listened to. Just say you are there. As long as they don’t feel alone it’s something. I’m suicidal. I don’t need to be told what would be best but just that someone is listening. It’s not something many people understand many people brush it off but it’s an illness as bad as something physical such as cancer. It’s fucking horrible to want to die. I can promise you that.
Not knowing anything about him, I guess the only possible approach would be to explore under what conditions would he want to live, and how that can be achieved, if at all possible?
For the record, I have to echo wait and bleeds words. Though they need no one to do so I cannot even begin to tell you how true all of that is!!!! There is another common myth that we want everyone to “fix us” (yes, I too am currently suicidal) when in reality listening can literally save a life!!!! And sometimes another myth is that we need to be locked up and no one but the “professionals” can help us. This simply isn’t true at all. In fact, you can help your partner better than anyone I would imagine. No, I am not saying that medication and therapy is not needed. I am not a doctor and I don’t know that. However, I CAN say that there is such power in listening and letting him know you care and that though you don’t understand you wish to learn (which I commend you for coming to this site as so many wouldn’t……..) and though we can tell you many things about this and it is good you are here. The BEST thing will be to listen to him as each case even within the same “diagnoses” is unique. But it seems to me like you care and that he trusts you so that already is a step ahead of a lot of us who either have reasons not to trust or those who would rather not get involved for one reason or another. Keep letting him know you care and that you are there for him. Keep learning through him and other resources. And above all, do your absolute best not to leave once committed to helping him. Some have to. But if possible don’t as it is going to be likely the hardest thing you will ever have to do but so worth it in the end!!!! And it will likely be seen as rejection and hurt him more. (Not to make you feel guilty if you absolutely have to but try not to ok?) Also, don’t be too hard on yourself ok? It is ultimately up to him and you should not feel bad if something happens. If you have done your best that is all you can do. Sometimes all the help in the world doesn’t save someone. Hopefully this will be one of the exceptions. And get help for yourself too as this is going to take a toll on you as well!!!! Good luck in finding a way to help him ok? And as I said, you are already to be commended for taking time to come here and care enough to ask. Ask anyone here that is HUGE!!!! You find a lot as I said who don’t care. And it is hard to understand!!!! But best of luck as I said and try to have a goodnight ok?
Barring hard neurological disorders, of course.
Drilling down to the root causes will not be easy, there’ll be a lot of protection and haze to drill through. And it has to be gentle, else resistance will harden.
Whatever the root causes, however trivial or absurd you may think they are, they’re not – to him. Wanting to kill yourself is no fun or walk in the park. It is active, burning hell.
“Drilling down to the root causes will not be easy, there’ll be a lot of protection and haze to drill through. And it has to be gentle, else resistance will harden.”
Agreed, but this is why the OP had a point in suggesting a therapist. It can take skill and finesse to get to these issues, and it’s unfair to expect a stressed out, possibly traumatized** layperson to be up to that task.
** Living with someone in crisis can and does cause trauma for the bystanders/caregivers
Wanting,
I feel the previous commenters have already offered some great advice. I agree that you are to be commended for caring and understanding enough to come here and ask for advice rather than being judgmental. Your partner opening up to you about how he is feeling is a huge step for anyone who is suicidal or depressed and he is lucky to have someone who wishes to understand him.
Without knowing his situation, it is difficult to suggest whether therapy or anything else a good idea. I would suggest making it clear to him that you WANT to understand and WANT to help. It could be as simple as asking him point-blank, “What can I do to help you? What do you feel you need?” And make sure he understands unquestionably that you are by his side, no matter how he feels he needs to attempt to fix his situation.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
“Without knowing his situation, it is difficult to suggest whether therapy or anything else a good idea.”
I have to differ… from the original post: “My best friend and life partner is looking to kill himself” and “His habits of self-inflicted injury are becoming daily”.
He also apparently yells at her for not understanding and becomes furious when she suggests therapy. The OP sounds like a partner in distress, on the brink of perhaps risking her own emotional health and well-being due because she’s trying to care for a loved one in crisis who is emotionally abusive.
I’d say there’s little question the guy needs professional help, and no one should have endure abusive tirades. I do hope the suicidal partner gets the help they need, and I hope “wanting” also gets the support and help she needs.
I’m out on 100,000 dollar bail right now. I’m facing a home invasion charge in Illinois which is a class x felony. The punishment if convicted is a minimum 6 to 30 years in the department of corrections. I am facing a death sentence. These alleged charges are total bullshit but regardless of the outcome I will come out the other side 10,000 dollars in debt from lawyers. I am 22 years old. For all intents and purposes This situation is going to cost me 6-30 years of my life. The courts are a mockery of justice in illinois. they are courts of conviction not justice. I was very close to killing myself in the lake county jail before i got bailed out. I was ready to give up. I started every day in my cell staring at the wall and fantasizing about my death. I was waffling between using the too small to cover your body sheet to make a noose for a leap from the second story balcony, to taking a swan dive from balcony head first into the concrete. for the 3 hours between the “breakfast” they served to when they let me out into the day room for 5 or less hours a day I battled the very serious thoughts of killing myself. I didn’t eat for literally October 10th till the 31st when i got bailed out. Bail is a joke too. they let out multiple convicted violent felons out on the lowest bonds you’ve seen. they shook down my family because i don’t live in the ghetto. they don’t decide bail on the merits of the case the prosecutor presents the “facts” of the case not the allegations. one could argue that I had nothing in there. I entered jail $20,000 dollars in credit card debt, no job(quit a job i hated more than anything in june) no true friends and basically losing anything ive ever worked for. the only thing that kept me from killing myself in there was my loving girlfriend jenny taking my phone calls from jail and supporting me. of my mother talking on the phone and writing me. It’s when you have nothing that you find who the true friends are. I wanted to give up and if I didn’t have the love from my parents and girlfriend i would have. I’m on 24/7 pretrial lockdown at my house. my mom got 5000 bucks together and borrowed another 5000 from my uncle to bail me out of jail. 10% of 100k. that money is gone. the courts just steal it. anyway now im out of jail. I can leave my home for work which i can do part time for my uncles sign business. he gave me a job partially to pay him back and court and meetings with my lawyer. Do you think I have anything to live for? Not really. I have 10000 in bail money to pay back 20000 in personal debt another 10000 in lawyer debt. the transmission on my car just shit out. ill have to file bankruptcy and ruin my 5 years of perfect credit history. ive never missed a payment. I had to have surgury on my hand because i was denied medical attention in there and my broken finger healed all wrong. ill still probably never have full use of my hand. another 3000 for that. If i beat this bs case im 43,000+ dollars in the hole and i have a highschool education. I can expect to pay for this shit till im 30 at least and then start from square zero. ill never retire and god forbid im convicted of a felony in the kangaroo court ill then have to work mcdonalds the rest of my life. I have nothing………..except the love of my life. a girl that loves and accepts me for me no matter what they say i did. a girl that doesn’t leave me just because im broke and in legal trouble. a girl that takes my phone calls from jail. a girl that stays with me as her parents tell her daily that im just a criminal loser that will just use her. of course he wants to talk to you they say. what else is he supposed to do in jail? a girl that stays by your side is all that a man ever needs to motivate himself for the future. be there for your man. if you love him unconditionally like my jenny does than tell him. listen to him. hear his problems. you don’t have to fix them. don’t tell him to talk to a therapist. he wants to talk to you. he needs you. he tells you because you are his world. The only thing a man needs to motivate himself is the unconditional love and support of his woman. just being there to listen and empathize is all he needs really. I still battle the demons of suicide. im facing a death sentence of hell on earth for 6-30 years. I won’t go back to that hell hole. if i ever do im taking a stroll across the line on a sunny day and they will shoot me dead but in the mean time my girlfriend being there for me and visiting me at my house on lockdown and providing a chance a the only future ive ever wanted is enough to keep me from doing it. talk about the future you want to have with him. talk to him about how youll miss him. he needs you. every sucidal person has one foot in the grave. ending the pain is easy if you don’t have the other one planted in life. the firmer the foot in life the better his chance of becoming strong enough to put the other foot back in life. the man with 1 foot in the grave and the other on the edge of the bridge is a goner. you need to make him feel alive. make the future a possibility again worth living for. I want children with my jenny. i want to be the one to make her smile and that will be enough to keep me alive for a long time to come. don’t be afraid to talk about it. youll regret not talking the rest of your life. true healing is talking with the ones you really love not a stranger. he needs you not someone else to pull him off the metaphorical bridge
I have to say I was really nervous to post on this site for a long time now. I’m not sure why I think I was afraid of rejection or something. . . In any case so many of you have been so kind and helpful with your responses. You’ve made me feel not so alone and have really been some of the most open and welcoming people I’ve ever encountered. Thank you.
Last night the fighting continued and my boyfriend told me I should really post about it here and maybe you all would help me realize what a horrible thing I’ve done. I’ll start off by telling you I already know it’s a horrible thing to betray someone’s trust but please help me by giving me some alternatives to this next situation
My best friend has for months now, been throwing up after he eats Most meals. Recently it’s every single day and I usually cry when it happens. I’ve suggested therapy because I don’t know how to help him myself. I want to but I watch him
And it’s literally so painful I don’t have words so I cry and tell him
I’ll go anywhere with him to get the help that I can’t myself, give him. He’s told me recently that he’s now throwing up blood it’s gotten so bad. I freaked and when I saw him
Getting ready to do it again, I couldn’t handle it by myself anymore and I told his mom what had been going on. I thought I was doing the right thing since I don’t know anymore how to help. She confronted him and he’s now furious with me. He says he hates me and that I’m a fuck for not doing what he would have wanted and letting him live the way he wants. He’s not speaking to me now and says he’s better off alone. That, coupled with the drug abuse that’s been also going on for months and I’m at a loss of how to help
“you all would help me realize what a horrible thing I’ve done”… “coupled with the drug abuse that’s been also going on for months and I’m at a loss of how to help”
Drug abuse, too? Did you know that addicts, when in the grip of their addiction, are amazing manipulators? They are adept at convincing their closest friends/partners that their problems are the friend’s/partner’s fault.
Anyway, it’s bullshit. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re doing the best you can, trying to help someone with very serious issues. He needs professional help. You can’t be expected to provide that, and it’s unfair for anyone to expect you to carry this burden.
Even professionals send their family members, closest friends and significant others to someone ELSE for help, because it’s an accepted truth that they need objective help from someone outside the situation.
Your friend/life partner needs to understand that you are doing the best you can, and you are not obligated to carry his burden. If he just needs you to listen, do that, to whatever degree you can, but his emotional well-being is not your responsibility. YOUR emotional well-being is your only responsibility, and if your own mood/mental health are starting to plummet, take care of yourself first. You can’t help your friend, after all, if you’re falling apart yourself.
dear person, not really sure what to tell ya.my heart aches for you and your struggle. im here doing what the others are, tryin to find some reason to stay alive for a few more minutes. it is very hard to describe the mental process when one is in this state. its a very dark and frightning place to be. you cannot cure your friend. that is something he will have to undertake on his own. like alcohlism or drug addiction its a personal fight. their is no cure but their are new therapies and coping techniques. mental health tratment in this country is a joke and a half. Their is a very deep mistrust and suspiciation against the people in that buisness. so finding decent therapy can be a challenge. i was one of their lab rats in the 70’s when big ****** was taking over, and im real leery about the pills i take anymore.kind of ironic considering how bad i want to die. one avenue i explored that helped the most was a holistic healer. being an unconventional person, anyway, and being ready for a change, its had the most sucess.but even that dont stop it. iit does help me smile at the little things. im suicidal, not homocidal. real grateful for that one. dont want to hurt no one but me. like most suicidals, the fear holds me back. then i get mad at my cowardice and try to push on, then the shame and guilt sets in. then more frustration and aggravation and then evreything melds and blend togeather and the whole mess just keeps growing and growing. i dont know if my words will be able to help your friend, but these words i speak to you, its not your fault, take no blame or guilt for this. he had it long before you met him. take time for yourself. dont let the depression pull you in. if he loves you he is aware of the pain and confusion this causes, and is just another reason. we are so tired of causing pain to the ones we love. you normal folks are better off without us and we know it. peace to you and good luck
Wanting,
I actually just read his post and he is mad. And it is a most delicate situation to be sure. On one hand, he has a point in that he needs to live his life and it is his choice. If he wants to do these things and he truly wants to do it no one can stop him. BUT he creates a big thing into listening and hearing what he is telling you. And though you may or may not understand how HUGE that is let me tell you from someone who could have wrote those words myself (on just someone listening) it is the biggest thing you can do for him!!!! Never underestimate that kind of power!!!! It can turn things into a better situation and I know how this guy feels. I too, feel like if only someone would listen. You run into problems when someone tells something you would rather they not tell another person. You ultimately lose their trust. And that is BIG!!!! So often, I have been suicidal and had various issues (throwing up even…..) and been hospitalized a number of times. When I came out, I no longer trusted that person and kept to myself. Problem is, that makes it less likely to tell another person and more likely for them to actually do worse and ultimately end their lives. No one can be forced into treatment really. Those places are beneficial to some though I imagine most disagree as do I. But they are the ones who have to decide that or else they won’t recover. The best thing for you is to listen.
Did you read his post? A gentle soul who will listen and just agree with him? Validate him and his pain being all too real? You can do that and I believe you care enough to do so. Is it hard? This is the most difficult thing you will likely EVER have to do my friend!!!!! But at the same time, his life is at stake and you may be the only one who can reach him. Not to put pressure on you but we trust very few and if you can reach him you need to. And all is required is to listen to what he has to say.
I do recommend help for you as on the other side it isn’t easy. I understand that as well. Maybe there is another person you both know who can be a third party to tell your feelings to so you won’t be overburdened. But let him decide that. I know where he is coming from and it is sad to me that he has more of a chance right now to have someone who cares and will simply listen. I pray for that daily myself!!!!!!
Most of all, you will find we simply want to be heard. And at least try to understand. If you have never been there you cannot fully get it but you can try your best and be a wonderful asset to this guy and his recovery. And that is what you want!!!!! BUT just remember, whatever happens, don’t blame yourself in that if you truly care and have tried to help there is nothing more you can do. Just do your best and show you care. It is so true what they say. The right words are unimportant if you truly care your voice and manner will show it. And listening can save lives!!!!!!
All the best to you my friend!!!!!!! Let us know what happens and if you have anything we can help you with ok? We are a caring community around here and we would love to help any way we can!!!!! Have a wonderful day!!!!!!!!
Oh, and after having read your reply to his post. I think that would be a great idea. I just pray it isn’ too late!!!! I really wish you two all the best!!!!!!!