My Life

I am really nothing…

hi my name is **** *****. i am 1?-years old… hehe i don’t know how to start telling my life, but I’m not really good at English… I writing this because I think it will make me feel better… umm… I grew up in small city. When I was 3-8 years old, I have painful days and happy days of course. my parents were drunk, fighting, every Friday, Saturday, it was never changed 5-years, always drinking, fighting. me and my big brother and my lil sister, crying in room, our word never changed our parents, we always tell them to stop drinking, fighting, but is useless. I spend my times in my room playing alone, when I was 3-6-years old, I was had no friends, but I have brother and sister, they spend their times with their friends, I never know If I’m lonely, I play video games racers and supermario and other games, but not shooting games… sometimes I feel I wanted to play with my brother and sister, I learn feelings slowly, loneliness, sadness, happiness, I was a bit bad at talking, and I was a crybaby, I was lived with my own lil world, my big fantasy, my toys, my papers & pencils. it was like no one wanted me, sometimes I can cry even nothing happened, my tears falling it self, I feel really sad, heavy, so I go out and play to cheer up my self, so easily I get happy, sometimes I go to were other childrens plays, after all it just like I’m invisible, but I don’t care, I have my toys… my best days was when I have my sparings “money”, then I go to marked to buy new toys and start fantasying again… fridays and Saturdays comes again, inside me is feel like a storm coming, parents drunk again fighting shouting… crying out loud and telling them to stop drinking, but is really useless… (when I’m 5-6-years) finally I start school I was happy, several days passed some poor guy who was had worser past I met, when he start bullying me, I was never get angry to other people, but back there I was really angry, mad when I cath him I punched him with all my strengt a lot, hit him with my legs, he was crying and crying telling me to stop… but thankfully he was escaped, we become friends after that ;), we are boys after all, but he was not my first friend, in second year of my school a tranfer student, he was our neighbour, back there I was with my brother outside of our house and two boys show up then we met, we talk, the eldest was same age as me, he lil bro was one years younger, the elder boy was become my best friend, hehe several days passed again funny things happen, and bad, we become just like team we start robbery work together… and then I’m became 7-8-years old I start to thinking to suicide, family havent changed everything is bad things my parents, my Friend’s parents, they are same! when i’m 8 I start thinking to suicide, and then I get really angry to my parents with my bro telling them to stop drink wine and others… we talked, they plan to stop… when I’m 8-9-year old they stop fighting when they drunk, they stop invite their friends to come to our house, but I changed I don’t know how, a lot of things happened when I’m 8-13-year old, I start smoking cigarettes when I’m 13… one of my friends invited me to smoke drugs… then I start smoking drugs too… my life was become really negative since I was 8… I was start thinking to suicide a lot… when I’m 13 I start smoking, smoking drugs, drinking smirnoff ice, vodka and others my bro too… bad things happen a lot, but my family was fine… I never experienced love, I don’t know what love it is, my parents told me they loved me and my bro, sis
we have many happy days and bad days, my bro knows “love” and my sis, but I never understand that nevet feel that, but I was once interest in my school mate who was my 10-years school mate, lot of girls was interest in me even they want to be my BF but I always denied them, xD because I don’t know what to do… I feel always empty inside me, is just like I feel only sadness, lot of things happened that I don’t know how to tell, explain, I was always hide my self to hide my past, how I feel, no one never knows who I am, my personality, my friends, my best friend, they always thinking I’m cheerful, happy, smart, but I’m sad, when I’m found out that mother mostly cares about my big bro and my sis, my father just like that too, and my parent’s bros and sisters, but my uncle cares about me, my friends are they my friends? since I was 12 my friends changed when I’m 13, when I’m 14 everything changed, everything is just like @×÷#_£€=×!… I feel like they just using me, even I helped them a lot, one of my friends tried to kill me a lot, even I never done any bad things to him!!, I survived suicide a lot, I tried to kill my self… I’ve had many stories I want to tell many people, my fantasy, since I was 3-6-years old, my fantasy storys, my only hope, create an anime, with full of fantasy, tell my fantasys, when I’m 6-17 my fantasys……
I’m stuck at my home now whole 4-years doing nothing much, eat, school, play video games, eat , sleep, I stop my third school because I can’t handle to be with many people, I’m doin’nothin right now, thinking about to suicide… maybe tomorrow or someday or when I getting older I will die… now I can’t breath just like you do, I have painful days this week, maybe I was thinking too much, is hard for me to breath, I’m 1?-years old, I’ve been thinking about to suicide, try to suicide, in 9-years…
what it is I need?! happiness? love? or ?…
since I was really close to dead, (21 nov 2014) after that I feel really lonely…..
now I’m really hopeless, inside me, I’m really empty, nothing but sadness… is just like I’ve have no feelings… I don’t know how to explain… sometimes I can hear whispers, what is that whispering inside me?!… it always say negative things. .. I’m doomed…
I just need to die right?
nobody needs me… I am nothing… I’m always pretend to be happy…sometimes I can be happy but not much…
F@%k This Post!!