I’m not old. I’m not sick. I’m not sad. But I’m dying, all the same. I should be happy, my life is good. Better than a lot of people. Better than it has been in the past. Nothing is wrong, really. Nothing’s really right either, but hey. I’m just not happy. I’m getting so tired of hearing myself cry. And that’s all it is. I hear it, but don’t really experience it. Its like I’m watching all these good things happen to someone else. I think I’m just uncomfortable being happy. Is that possible?
Anyways.
I saw something online the other day that posed the following question:
If you had the chance to kill yourself, no pain or blood, and no one left behind to mourn, would you do it?
Up until that moment, I’d been doing alright. Almost four months off meds (other than for sleep), was doing fantastic in therapy, great in school, making friends, all of it. But that question just….eradicated all my progress. Now all those suicidal thoughts, my once dear friends, are back to haunt me relentlessly. I’m trapped inside of myself, and its not a pretty place to be. I will be the first to admit, I’m a coward. I don’t want dying to hurt, and I don’t want to leave a mess for someone else to deal with. You know, someone told me the other day (in a conversation completely unrelated to my current predicament) that suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it just gives it to somebody else.
And I thought about that. I really did. And I decided that I just don’t care anymore. I don’t think I’ve got enough light left inside me to care. I think about dying all the time. In the shower. In class. In bed. It doesn’t go away, ever. I don’t really want to die because I’m depressed, I think its just a chronic disinterest in whatever possibilities lie ahead.
“Its okay”
Yeah. Because its not happening to you.
2 comments
I understand running into a barrier. Two years ago, I was in a bad place. Things have been tolerable. Lately, I’ve been working to push through myself. I was warned to expect some backsliding. It happens with lots of situations. People who quit smoking often light up. Former gamblers sometimes play a hand. It’s often temporary. This rough patch you’re going through is just that… a rough patch. It doesn’t indicate anything permanent.
If you’re struggling, speak with your therapist. There may be some therapy sessions that aren’t fantastic. That’s okay. Life has its ups and downs. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, think about the past four months. What motivated you? What kept you going? How did you succeed? Whatever you do, don’t lose faith because you encountered a speed bump on the road. If you’re in crisis, pick up the phone and call someone. Most areas have numbers you can call.
I understand the not caring part. For a while, I think others cared more than me. After I had a chance to catch my breath, I started to think about things. While not perfect, as I noted above, things are alright. Over time, I hope they get better. But they’ll never get better if you give up. You mentioned that you weren’t old. Things may not be okay right now… but that doesn’t speak for the entire future.
“For a while, I think others cared more than me.” That speaks volumes to me. It speaks to parts of me that are usually dormant. And you’re right. Thanks for the insight, and the suggestions.