I am a diagnosed bipolar, twenty year old girl. And maybe it is just the depression talking. But I am so lost and I’m so on my own. I’m scared.
Fear is my biggest problem. Im so scared of everything. Scared to be on my own. Scared to run. Scared to hide. Scared to fly incase I fall. Scared to risk it all. Scared to die.
To die would be an awfully big adventure.
I’ve sat on my bed on days when I’m all alone in the house. I’ve taken pills, washed them down with vodka. But as soon as it started to hurt i made myself throw up. I’ve tied a scarf arpund my neck. Velet. But couldn’t let go of the knife and cut myself down before the darkness came over me. So far I’ve tried three times. But i feel the darkness, I feel the cold and cry.
Is it all fate telling me there is something i need to do, can’t i just be told what it is.
My family are all good people. But my parents arnt supportive. They are when i say “I’ve got a job” or “I want to drive”, “Can you help me save to move out?”. But dare i mention drama school, acting, theatre to them… never.
I couldn’t move from my bed today. Even now. I want to smoke feel my lungs with dark black tar and smoke. The only way I can kill myself. But i feel like if I dare leave the covers the world will fall apart. It will spilt in two straight down the core and no one else in the world but me will also be ripped in half.
An after thought of typing. I haven’t had a bad life. Not even a very hard life and I feel so selfish for even having this runt. Thousands and Thousands of people probably more would do anything to have the opportunities i have had. So why do i still feel like this. Why can’t we just switch as i seem to be wasting my life, unitentionally but wasting it all the same.
Wishing on stars will never work.
Yellow pumpkins will never turned to golden carriages.
Frogs arn’t Prince’s, Just toads in disgise.
Falling down a rabbit hole will only get you dirty.
There is no happily ever after.
There is no Neverland.
5 comments
You’re far from selfish in writing this post, depression hit anyone whether they’ve had a good life or not and being diagnosed as bi-polar will bring you to a point where you will want to end it. It’s a shame you can’t talk to your parents but you do need to talk to someone, a counsellor/therapist or someone who will understand. Hope your posting here helps and keeps you from trying to end it. Please find a way forward, you’re so young with a life ahead of you.
neverneverland :O
You are still very young. Im almost twice your age and people tell me I am still young.
But you are waking up to the fact that life is not always easy and its not always fun and games either. We all wake up to that at some point as we get older. But life is worth living. You are just in a time when your having some depression and might be confused about what to do with your life. I bet your parents would be supportive of you if you made a choice to get some schooling that would help you get a good career in the real world so you can support yourself later in life.
Think about going to school to be a nurse or some other job in the medical industry, or maybe a dental hygenist or something like that. If you made a positive descision to do something like that I bet your parents would back you up on it.
Your at an age where you need to think about your future, and goals to set for yourself.
Realistic goals that will pay off and make your life better for the long run.
You are not selfish. Your a good person you just need to get through this diffiult time
You might want to find a counselor that you can talk to about your life
and find somebody who can help you find get on track in life
dont be afraid. Fear is what holds back a lot of people from going somewhere in life
Thats why you need goals and plans > that will keep you on a positive path and there will be rewards along the way.
good luck
“…rewards along the way…”
Follow the rules, demonstrate the correct behavior, adhere to the system, and you will be rewarded here and there. Like a rat pressing a button in a lab experiment.
Depression is like cancer in that it doesn’t matter what your social situation is. Whether you’ve had a great life, great parents, made tons of money, drive a nice car…all that doesn’t matter when you feel like you say. I hope you can find a way to deal and heal.