I’m turning 21 in a month. I’ve felt this way, at least to some degree, as long as I remember. Everyone always tells me “time heals all”. I don’t feel like anything has been healed. I’m stuck. The only way to discribe how I’m feeling is I’m in a clear box full of water, literally drowning in my own tears, but there is no way out. I can see everyone that I care about and people who care about me and those who say they do.. they are living their lives but all causally glancing over at me. Because they’ve all tried to “fix ” me .. Watching me drown because there is nothing that they can do to save me. Hoping some how it will end, not end like you may think like someone come and break me out and save me, but for me to end. I’ve given up on that hope. Of being” saved”. I’ve stopped fighting myself to get better awhile ago. I’m stuck. So basically I’m just going to sit here in my box, and drown. Slowly. But one day ill end. One day. Soon.
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Bhuddha talks about this kind of thing. My personal experience – at 18 it was like clouds parted and I could understand things I could never comprehend before. At 21, same thing but in a different kind of way – everything changed. At 25 it happened yet again, another complete, almost “unveiling”. These words seems superficial to the deep awareness and perception you’re capable of. Check out the 4 noble truths in the mean time – it’s not a party but may help take the edge off of the hurt. I don’t know why I’m here either but I know that I’m needed 🙂 Dharma guide me. Hang in there.