The burden of life is too great to carry. I feel like the Titan Atlas, forever carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. But I am not immortal. I can choose to die. I can end it all and forsake the pain. But no…..I will not. Today my one year old sister called my phone all by herself using my mother’s smartphone (she knows it is me because she can see me in the contact picture) and left a message, crying because I wouldn’t answer. Even after I called and tried to talk to her (my mother put her one the phone) she would not be consoled. How can I abandon her? How can I even think about dying when all I see is her, inconsolable because I am not there and never will be again. I used to say she would forget me but I know it is a lie. None of them will ever forget me and that is the worst pain of all. I don’t deserve their love. I am a maggot beneath the rotting floorboards underfoot. I would suffer the worst pain imaginable if it saved a single one of their precious tears from falling to a cursed earth. So I will trudge on…no matter how much it hurts because my pain is nothing. I am nothing. Their’s is one I cannot bear. A searing flame upon the chafed flesh of my heart. It doesn’t matter. I will always be a ghost but at least in her eyes…I can be visible. Her guardian angel. At least in her eyes, I am something. Even if I don’t deserve it. I know a lot of people will say I am lucky to have a family that loves me. I AM lucky. Then why does it hurt so much?
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2 comments
The only thing that hurts more than loss is rejection… because loss is beyond our control, and rejection is a choice. Even if you feel you don’t deserve their love, it hurts them if you cannot accept it. So embrace the gift – it’s the kind thing to do. Eventually you will see that everyone deserves to be loved.
If that doesn’t work, hold out for 15 more years, by which time your sister will be 16, and that’s a perfectly acceptable reason to top yourself.
atlas, take the weight off your shoulders. you are right, youre not immortal. you are human.let the gods do what they do. you do what you do. the pain ebbs. maybe never really goes away, but dies down to where you can function. embrace those things you hold dear. even in the darkness we are allowed to love.