Convince Me

I already have a time, place, and means ready to go. I told myself I didn’t want to make any irreversible decisions without thinking long and hard about them, so I set up a two month moratorium which ends in less than 24 hours. This is it. This post will be my last attempt to gather contrary opinions: convince me not to go through with it, if you think it is more rational for me to stay alive.

I had a decent childhood and I was doing well in school. I was happily married. Then, one day about three years ago, I developed a migraine. It hasn’t stopped since. For three years I have had continuous pain, like nails being driven into my eyes. It has spread across my arms to my fingers and down one leg to my toes. I cannot work. I cannot exercise. I can barely walk if I use a cane. I cannot study. I cannot think. I cannot function. My wife accused me of being lazy and giving up, so she left. That made me sad, but honestly, these days I almost don’t notice. The pain takes up everything.

I became a full-time patient for a while, going from specialist to specialist and test to test. People from Johns Hopkins and the Mayo Clinic have done their examinations and run their tests. I’ve tried changing everything in my life, from my work and home to my diet. I’ve also tried acupuncture, reiki, and what I could only call a crazy witch doctor. Believe me when I say that I’ve exhausted East and West. Medication barely makes a difference, and I’ve gotten nothing even close to a proper diagnosis. Maybe there IS no diagnosis.

The neurologists throw up their hands and say that my pain comes from depression, so I won’t feel better until I get my depression under control. My therapist and psychiatrist say that my depression is caused by my pain, and that it will not lift until I get my pain under control. Ironically, Catch-22 used to be my favorite book.

Over the course of the last three years, I have gradually transformed from a person into a machine for trying to avoid pain. This avoidance is my full time occupation, and my job performance is greatly wanting.

And it makes me so angry, because it just feels so unfair. I followed the rules. I don’t drink, and I never took drugs. I don’t even drink soda or coffee. I paid my taxes and obeyed the law. I was a vegetarian and I did yoga. I was peaceful, and patient. I was nice to everyone, even on the Internet. I even saved myself for marriage! Can you believe that? How many men actually do that, in this day and age?

I look out there and I see drug addicts who hold on to a job and muddle through. I see alcoholics coming to class drunk and still managing to pass. I see philandering and abusive men whose wives nevertheless refuse to give up on them. But I can’t hold on to a job or my marriage. What did I do to deserve this?

I have no hope and I see no prospects for the future. Every day is a mix of hideous pain and glum disappointment. After second and third opinions, I’m no closer to a diagnosis, and even if I had one, would there be a cure for this? There is no way to know.

I cannot rationalize continued living. I cannot justify continuing to waste other people’s time and money on further pointless tests (it might mostly be the insurance company’s money, but that’s still other people). I think of no reason to keep taking up space, and using up money and natural resources, to keep myself alive just so that I can spend every day on a futile effort to avoid pain.

Convince me otherwise, if you can.