Don’t even know where I am at mentally…. mostly rambling

I am not depressed…. I am not even feeling very down…. I am not happy… but I am not unhappy….  I am somewhere just above midline…  Another failure in life reminding me that my efforts don’t matter my limitations will raise up and remind me I am so close to making it into regular life but just can’t make it over the fence…  I am tired of being on this side of the fence… I want to hold it together…  3 mouths are counting on me holding it together but the longer I go the further away I am moving from them…  Haven’t talked with one of the kids in almost 2 months…  Lost my sex drive a year or so ago… Just recently have jerking away when anyone touches me…  I have been spending more and more time mentally checked out to avoid raging about my life…  Sitting here thinking my suicide through….  I would have to do it out of my house to avoid leaving my family stuck with “that room”….  I could rent a hotel room… That would solve the who would find me and I could be comfortable and not cold as I stop breathing…  I have so much financial stuff to wrap up but can’t do anything out of the ordinary so it will just all fall back on my partner to sort out…  She will be devastated but oddly I feel numb to thinking of how should would act from my suicide….  The kids I think are too young to fully understand it…  My oldest probably wouldn’t know how to deal with it….  Sounds rather stupid family of my own and everything and the dog I feel like I am doing the most harm to…  Doesn’t judge, looks at me like I am the greatest thing, and will just know I didn’t come home…  Very not fair to her…  yes i agree stupid but hard for me to hurt anything that holds me in such a high standing…  I am afraid of failing… It is starting to be the trend in life so could easily see it happening since I really don’t like the suicide bag or a shotgun…  Oxy and valium would be my choicc but second guessing it….  A few days ago just felt like checking out for a bit so took 150mg of oxy and I just lost track of time.  I have only 1gram left.  Oh well enough for now…  Too chicken shit to follow through with it and I keep failing.  Life would be better without me… Shame I can’t acquire enough opiates to take me out of this world while not dying….  That would be my preference… Just let me wither away…. Anyways Im gong to attempt some sleep.  Wish I wasn’t such a *****.