I don’t wanna lose it again. The last weeks and months were better, but now I know I’m heading right towards the abyss and can’t seem to change the direction, no matter how much I would like to. I do stuff even though I know it’s detrimental. Like even at this moment I’m listening to music of which I know it triggers my depression. Maybe it has to do with the days getting shorter and the weather getting colder. Or maybe it’s the stress, but that’s usually worse when I have to write exams. Best I can do now is survive another 1 1/2 weeks till I can go home to visit my family. That’ll keep my head off those damn thoughts. What I fear more is my birthday after that; when I leave home I always have a bad mood already, and then there will be those phone calls from my family wishing me happy birthday which I will answer with “Thank you, I’m doing great” even though I’ll probably have tears all over my face.
I remember my last birthday exactly; the phone calls, the crying and then I took off with my bike towards the train tracks. Fortunately I didn’t stop there and just went going. Good think phones nowadays have gps, otherwise I would’ve probably not found my way back. After that I was just exhausted, took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed. This time I can’t allow myself to just give in to depression. I have a fucking project with fucking people who don’t do shit and I’ll have to give a presentation in early January on our progress in front of the professor and a couple of other people. I’m already behind 2 semester with this course and I can’t fail again. Not even talking about the exams in February and March which also include those I failed last year as well.
Sometimes I wish there was someone who just told me everything is going to be alright. I’d lay my head on their shoulder and close my eyes and just forget about everything in this world. Yeah, that’s still only my imagination. I fear the day I will give up this dream. Once hope and faith is gone I’ll either become a freaking destructive monster (yup, still have a score to settle with some of those highschool bullies) or I’ll be an empty shell without any emotions just living through life like a robot. Wouldn’t want that to happen.
2 comments
This is only college, there’s time for you to change and be whatever you want after college is done with. You only mentioned two futures, being a monster, and having no emotion, however you said “fortunately I didn’t stop there” when you talked about biking past the train tracks, you seem positive, and that’s all that matters right now. Family is family. School stuff is hard and stressful, everyone understands. I know you will get a decent job as you are awesome, and depending on how you spend your money, financially your life could be great.
Everything is going to be alright.
First off try to do things early, so no procrastination. Though i am sorry your classmates do nothing. They should do their fair share.
please try to remember why you started the course in the first place, try and finish it and see what happens from there. Its not the end if you fail again. I believe in you. Hugs