Picture this: Someone has just started contemplating suicide, and they came up with a foolproof way out of this world. As they were getting lost in their own head, imagining their peaceful death, someone they love dearly pops into the picture, and all of a sudden they start shouting their name, crying out for help, but it’s too late. Their death is inevitable, leaving that loved one with nothing else to do but watch them fade away and cry. The person snaps back to reality and starts questioning everything, leading them to live another day… and another… and another…
Wherever our built-in survival instincts are stored in our bodies, they always have a way of getting into our heads and derailing many of our suicidal ideations. And even the ones who go through with it are most likely battling those instincts from the moment they made their plan to the moment they carry it out. No matter how bad your life is, your survival instincts are intact, and are fueled by any and all good things there may be in your life. Even if you live just to sleep or eat or watch TV, that’s good enough for your instinct to say LIVE.
3 comments
It’s probably largely my survival instincts that have kept me going up to this point. While I’ve done the psychiatrist, therapy, medication, etc. route, too, things remain just as isolated and frustrating as they have been. I want others to keep the faith and never surrender so I do my best to heed my own advice. However, I’ll be honest, a long road without a glimmer can take a toll. Some days, I really don’t do much. That itself is frustrating and upsetting. I said in 2012 that 2013 would be a new year. Ditto for 2014. Ditto now for 2015. The journey continues. Whether it’s survival instincts, hope, or something else, that’s to be determined.
It happens. I was thinking about it this last week, and something similar happened. I saw someone from my past (not a love interest, but a friend i hadn’t seen in a long time) and i started wondering how things change and how they could change again into something different (even if they never do). Then i wake up today and my sole purpose this last week was playing megaman 1 to 6 on nes (and i realized it today, i even enjoyed it). Your survival instinct will cling into whatever it can to keep you alive no matter how insignificant it might seem (and even if you are certain on ending your life), i guess you have to lose that instinct to finally end it all (or at least misplace it for long enough).
Yup, pesky survival instincts are pretty powerful unfortunately. I can however, say that when you finally manage to beat them, there is a profound sense of peace and acceptance. Not very easy to get to that point though, only happens in the last moments when you really believe you’re about to take your last breaths.
But getting there…that’s a whole nother story. Hard as heck, just like you’re saying.