I was hospitalized twice last year for suicidal actions and gave up on the notion of taking my own life. Since then I graduated college and moved to a big city. The problem is that my degree has only been an expensive piece of paper hanging on my wall and I feel lost. My depression keeps me tired, so i drink to fall asleep. My anxiety keeps me on edge about finding a perfect job to build a life I don’t think i’d like so at the end of the day I can curl up with a woman that doesn’t exist.
Each day is a struggle, each moment is a decision to keep going. for that goal i don’t wish to achieve. For people that I feel drifting away from me. For another day because I have decided I have to die of old age instead of by my own hand. It’s not what I imagined, but what am I to do?
I make plans and goals to reach, taking my mind off of feelings that would keep me in bed until people came to check my pulse. I am not entitled, I am not proud, I am not strong, I am not capable, I am living.
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7 comments
Maybe you underestimate yourself? You are capable of lots. You got a degree while suffering depression. That is a huge accomplishment. You managed moving too. Do have a new dr there? Do anti depressants help? wish I had words… hugs
You succeeded in getting the degree.. il tell you this.. if you don’t try to get that career job every day.. it will slip away from you forever.. if you get a crappie full time job while waiting for that career job to come.. it never will.. you’ll grow old that debt will stay and the degree will come obsolete.. don’t let a day go by without thinking about getting that career job. Once that’s achieved a girl will appear for you..
I’m curious.. do you smoke weed?
There’s no guarantee that being successful in one’s career brings about romantic fulfillment. A girl won’t just appear. That’s just unrealistic.
I can’t afford to go to the doc or get meds right now. I’m living on peanut butter and water. As for the job hunt it is simply exhausting, but i’m continually trying (which includes not smoking weed so i can pass a drug test).
Just stay focused. You don’t do drugs you don’t binge drink, dude your on your way to happy successful life and career. I love peanut butter and banana sandwiches.. i live off that too haha
Just do what’s right and healthy. . The day you do drugs is the day your life will surely be a miserable existence.
Oh, your drinking needs to slow down.. just do it on the weekends only. That’s money that needs to go to healthier foods to give you the right fuel to accomplish your dreams. It’s like your a Ferrari.. but your putting diesel into your gas tank.. doesn’t work.
Ha I am a hypocrite… i smoked weed for 13 years and destroyed my entire life in every aspect.. i am unhealthy as shit, I chain smoke and have one of the dirtiest miserable jobs in the world.. top that off I just ruined my relationship with father and brother over terrible descions I made the past few days altering me and my brothers life’s for hardship.. havent had a gf in 7 years and oh I’m 31 and suicidal..
Was blessed with everything.. smoked weed at 18 years of age lost everytuing and the devil has had me in his grasp ever since..
So.. get that fuckin career so you don’t end up like my sorry ass.
I think a lot of people have this trouble. The hardest thing for an employer to do is take a chance on someone who has no experience. It’s kind of like the bad credit is better than no credit thing.
Be proud that you got the degree first and foremost. It gives you some power to get the job you want down the road hopefully, though you may have to take something that is available that is not necessarily in your field for the moment to get going and build a rapport with an employer. Maybe look for something in the same industry you wish to work in so you can build a reputation and move into a more desired position once it opens up.