Weak Link

I haven’t killed myself because my entire family is going through rough times, a death would only set them back that much more. This house is falling apart, literally, and everyone in it suffers daily. How selfish would they think i was if i took my life? Why would that matter? I’d be dead. No one could tell me anything because I’d be erased and that’s what I want. But thats not what im allowed to do, even in death I’m a burden. I never thought I’d be this young and want to die as much as I do. I can’t believe how much I hate myself. I feel repulsive and hideous. I feel socially inept. Why has this block between me and everyone else existed for so long? I know there is more to life than what I have experienced in my short time here, but I don’t feel valuable enough to have the honor of experiencing these things. I feel guilty when I express interest in someone because not only am I repulsive, I know I am incapable of connecting with them in any way.  I used to think maybe I was autistic. I know that’s not the case. My younger brother is, his symptoms are much different from mine. Every time I think about how my life will be a perpetual cycle of working, saving money to distract myself with temporary material things, and hating myself, all I can think is how much I wish I were born into a different species if not never born at all. My life has consisted of pure distractions. The girls that tell me I’m handsome have no idea how weak and useless I truly am and usually think its their fault I seem to lack interest. They wouldn’t understand. I push away the people who want to get close because I know my time here will be short lived and wish to be erased completely from this unforgiving existence.