Whats next?

Here is my life story. My mother left me by 2 years old I don’t know why I always assumed its because she never wanted me. All my other siblings live with her in Arizona. I grew up with my father. He was abusive of course but that’s what how I know people care about me when I can do things for them or they hit me. My dad  died of cancer when I was 16 a sophomore in high school I didn’t have many friends and the ones I did have were never nice to me but I hung out with them anyways. When I was a junior I got my first girlfriend and it was amazing. I quickly became worried that she didn’t really love me when she wouldn’t hit me she would emotionally abuse me though. Not hold my hand or kiss me if I messed something up we eventually broke up. I started seeing a girl from the local college and we hit it off later that year. It was going good for a couple of months until I found out that she was seeing several guys at the same time. I assumed I wasn’t good enough and we parted ways. Gwyn was the girl I was in love with for 3 years before we finally hooked up. I never knew what happiness was until she kissed me for the first time it was magical. We broke up 9 months later we always fought over our dog we got for her 18th birthday. I still have him 2 yrs later his name is JoJo he is my best friend in life. I had a few more romances after that but they all ended badly. I never felt wanted by anybody the kids at school would call me sloppyjoe because I was messy not dirty just untidy it was embarrassing even a few teachers called me that. I cry to sleep most nights even though I’m beside my gf at night. I always mess things up all the te and she let’s me know how much of a fuck up I am. I really feel it. I lost job. I have 73 cents to my name. My dog is starving I sold my bed just to feed him for the month. I won’t ask my gf for anything because I know I’m worthless but I don’t want to lose her. I’ve got nothing to look forward to anymore. All I do is sit and wait to mess up again. I hate myself I can’t do a simple task without something going wrong or getting yelled at. I want it to end I often fantacise about offing myself but the burden will just fall on Rebecca and she doesn’t need that. It sucks even though I’m prepared to end it. I can’t. For JoJo. My dog is my best friend. He loves me even if I make mistakes he will never let me k ow that.