My first post here.

I have suffered from depression since around the age of 13I can’t really say if I thought about suicide back then. I know from things that happened to me my childhood was Rod I never got to enjoy some of the experiences young people did like normal relationships and that affected my life as an adult. I’m in capable of handling a relationship normally like any other person would I fall easily hard and even when a relationship is unhealthy for me I don’t want to end it I am currently in a toxic relationship and addictive relationshipand although I do love this woman I know she is bad for me. I think I know that I have actively thought of suicide on a daily basis for at least 13 years now. It is been a hard struggle not to actually carry it out. But recently the past few months at least he seems like it would just be easier to let it go. Do I want to die? No I do not want to die but I also do not want to live any longer. I sold all my firearms because I always thought that if I ever dated it will be with a gun. It would be quick. And over fast. Now I don’t have any guns, but I do have lots of depression pills anxiety pills and pain pills a couple of nights ago I came very close but Iwas so scared. I believe in God and the afterlife and sometimes the fact that if I kill myself, believing that, that I would go to hell. Sometimes that belief is the only thing that keeps me alive. I hear people say how selfish it would be to kill myself. That I should think about the people that care about me that I would be leaving the honey hurting. But I think that’s bullshit I think that’s selfish on their part. What about how I’ve hurt almost my whole life and I just want it to be over with. Yeah they would hurt but I am hurting right now.