Help me, I need it.

This is the real reason I know I have changed, I am in an extremely messed up situation and I’m not beating myself up over it. It’s shocking to me because I feel like I should, I feel like I should want to be dead right now, as if I should hate myself. I have made so many careless mistakes and now I am dealing with the consequences. I never slept around I had only been with 2 people my entire life. My ex and a new person that I had known for a few months before deciding to do that. Well some how I was careless and now I have an std that can’t be cured. I don’t know how long I’ve had it or who I got it from, I am in the middle of my first physical outbreak. It’s devastating the dr told me today that’s what it appeared to be based on how it looked and the symptoms I described. I have blood work that I had done that I am waiting for results on tomorrow. But I already got told I have it so what difference does it make now? And I want to be angry at myself for ruining my life for putting myself in this situation. But it’s done I can’t change it or undo it at this point all I can do is accept it. Being angry at myself and beating myself up isn’t going to make anything better. But to be honest I’m completely devastated, this is so unfair on so many levels. I never slept around I tried to be a good person and yet I still ended up with this and no way of knowing for sure from whom I got it. So now I’m marked for life, I’ve deleted all my social media apps blocked and deleted any guy friends that had any interest in dating me. I am disgusted with myself and I haven’t been with my ex in half a year. I don’t know if he is the one who gave this to me or why I am barely getting symptoms now. And now I have to talk to this new guy about it and have him get tested and deal with that. I care about him and the fact that all this is happening really sucks. I did the research online looked it up on medical websites and it says that a person will generally show symptoms two weeks after exposure with the virus. And it says that on almost every article I found my dr just told me to tell my partner to get tested, when I asked how to tell which of my sexual partners may have gave it to me. I have no health insurance either so all these visits and test have ran me slightly over $300. The medication that is suppose to help suppress the virus cost $900 a month. I can’t afford this, I hate this, my new year that I wanted so badly to be good is just ruined. And all I want is to get through this to be able to forgive myself and still love myself.